


Peridot

by lowkeyamen



Series: Solitaire [5]
Category: Topp Dogg (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Cheating, Developing Relationship, Drug Use, M/M, Past Abuse, Prostitution, Underage Character(s), more tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 20:08:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12712068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lowkeyamen/pseuds/lowkeyamen
Summary: Jiho never thought falling in love for the first time would be this difficult.





	1. Maths

**Author's Note:**

> this is it!!! Taeyang's part of the story!!  
> he is the character I've gotten most comments about in terms of people wanting to know his past, because I've tried to keep it as vague as possible, but this story will finally answer all of those questions.
> 
> this will be no where near as fluffy as alexandrite and will be more angsty (and probably long rip) like garnet and dark like opal. but the good think is that you know fine well there will be a happy ending bc I've wrote this series in reverse!!!
> 
> there will be trigger warnings to come in this fic - which will be added to the tags when the themes appear in coming chapters. another thing is, jiho is only 15/16 in this fic and taeyang is 17/18 - in England (which is where this is set and I live) the age of consent is 16, this will come up a lot in this fic and,,,idk I guess it's just a warning or something that one of them will be underage by American standards in this
> 
> but anyway pls enjoy I hope that doesn't put ppl off too much

_peridot; august_

_a yellow-green stone which is related to the sun and promotes optimism; it is said to help one heal faster in regards to abuse, addiction and mental health issues._

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyang chewed on the end of his pen, paying approximately 20% attention to his lecturer. He was currently halfway through his first year of university, studying medicine and surgery. _Only four and a half years to go.... Then a Masters... Then a PHD._

He rested his head on the desk. That was nine whole years of his life. He'd be twenty-six before he was even out of education, which was younger than most considering he had graduated high school a year early. But it still felt like way too long for him. 

Plus, he'd have to pay for the last four years himself, the government rarely gave grants for Masters and PHDs. He was fucked. 

He really had no idea what he had gotten himself into. He had wanted to be a surgeon his whole life. He wasn't really sure why, he just did. Well, he did know why. It was what his parents wanted of him, to go into medicine, but he had always told himself it was what he wanted too. He wasn't psychopath, but he liked the juxtaposition of cutting people open to fix them. But he wasn't so sure he was willing to spend nine years of his life, and hundreds of thousands of pounds, to become one. 

He yawned, looking around the theatre at the rest of the people on his course. They looked like doctors, like pharmacists, like surgeons. They were paying attention to the lecture for a start, genuinely interested, quenching their thirst for knowledge. 

Taeyang wasn't like that at all. He actually hated listening and learning, especially about the cardiovascular system and cells and therapeutics and all that bullshit. It was boring. He was a kinetic learner, preferred the practical stuff. Maybe he _was_ a psychopath that just wanted to cut people open after all. 

He considered this as he scrolled through his phone under the desk. He had been looking for a part time job to tide him over when he inevitably spent all of his student loan. And to save up for the crippling debt he was going to be in when he finally graduated. Nothing that was too much effort though, he would rather live off tinned spaghetti for a month than clean toilets or do anything that required manual labour. 

His thumb hovered over an email from his university about a tutoring program for high schoolers. That didn't sound too difficult. Sure, high school kids were dickheads, and he was still meant to be one himself so they he would probably have absolutely no authority over any of them, but he was sure he could deal with it for a few hours a week. He flicked through the subjects available; history, French, chemistry, Latin. _Latin? Is that even still a language?_ He mulled over a couple of subjects he had excelled in during high school, settling on mathematics. He briefly wondered why he wasn't doing a degree in accounting, he was significantly better at maths than biology and it was only a three-year course.  

He replied to the email, hoping the rate of pay would at least be decent and the kid he had to tutor wasn't too much of a wanker. He figured he might as well pack his stuff away, the lecture finished in ten minutes and he hadn't written a single note so why bother starting now? 

 

✧ ✦ ✧  


 

Taeyang straightened out his collar, anxiously scratching at his arm as he waited for someone to answer the door. He hated meeting new people. Under any circumstance. He prayed to whatever God was listening that this kid wasn't going to be too much effort and actually wanted to learn and wasn't some boneheaded jock that only cared about banging girls or sports or wrestling or any of that shit. He knew the kid was from an all-boys private school so the chances of that were pretty slim. Maybe he could just leave before they opened the door. But that would probably involve running and Taeyang didn't run.

"Hi! You must be Taeyang!"

A woman in her mid-forties was smiling down at him; he hadn't even registered the door opening. He assumed it was the kids mother...maid? Did people still have maids? This was the posh end of London, so most likely. Too late to back out now. It was probably a good thing, where else was he going to get paid £50 for two hours work? A brothel? 

"Jiho, honey." He was lead upstairs, past a number of rooms that appeared empty to one where a dark-haired boy was sitting at his desk, looking exactly how Taeyang felt. "This is Taeyang, your new maths tutor."

This kid looked older than him, maybe it was just his ridiculously long legs and well-defined jawline. He was looking at Taeyang with such intensity the blonde wanted to run. But again, that would be too much like exercise. 

Jiho had been dreading this, having a tutor, having to do even more maths. Jiho knew he wanted to model for a living, nothing else gave him as much of a rush as those flashing lights. He didn't really need maths, trigonometry and algebra, when was he ever going to use those again in real life? But, he knew he sucked at maths, he had barely scraped by with a D in his last exams, and it wouldn't be long until they actually mattered. Just because he didn't want to go to university or whatever didn't mean he wanted to fail school completely. What if he didn't make it in the modelling industry? Then he'd be fucked.

He was sat at his bedroom desk, work books and protractors spread out in front of him. He had already done maths at school today he really didn't see why he had to do it at home too. He didn't even do his maths homework, paying that smart kid he sat next to in geography to do it for him.

By then his mother introduced him to Taeyang.

_Taeyang? That's such a pretty name._

A small boy, he couldn't have been taller than 165cm, with bleach blonde hair stepped out from behind Jiho's mother. Why did his mother get him a tutor that was younger than him? That was just insulting. He had a nervous smile on his sharp features. He was adorable.

"Hi." Jiho squeaked out, his face heating up at how pathetic he probably sounded. Taeyang sat next to him at the desk, placing his own books in front of him.

"So, you're shitty at maths, then?"

Jiho's eyes widened. He hadn't seen that coming. Taeyang had worn a collared shirt and argyle sweater to a tutoring lesson, he had gold round-rimmed glasses and a crucifix around his neck. Jiho didn't expect the third word to come out of his mouth to be 'shitty'. His voice was so deep too for someone so petite. 

"How old are you?" Jiho asked, dark eyes still fixed on Taeyang's. 

Taeyang blinked. "Seventeen."

Jiho gaped. "You're my hyung?"

"Yeah...but don't ever call me that. Makes me feel fucking old."

 

 ✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyang continued to tutor Jiho over the coming months, though if he was being perfectly honest he wasn't sure how much it was helping. Jiho didn't really take in anything Taeyang said, he never stopped staring at the blonde and it made him uncomfortable. What was this kid's problem? Taeyang knew he wasn't conventionally attractive; his cheekbones were unnaturally high, he hated his nose, and his teeth stuck out a little, but he didn't think he was _that_ weird looking for Jiho to stare at him for three hours straight twice a week for four weeks. 

"Jiho." The younger boy had been staring at Taeyang so intently he had fell into a trance, he hadn't even noticed when the blonde turned to face him. "You're never gonna understand angle bisectors if you're looking at me instead of the paper."

He smirked as Jiho's cheeks went a deep shade of crimson. One thing he liked about the younger was how flighty and anxious he was. He freaked out and apologised a lot, it was endearing. Most kids his age didn't have any respect for their elders, or anyone, really. 

"Sorry...you're just so...pretty." 

Taeyang quirked an eyebrow. "Pretty?" He had been called a lot of things over the years concerning his looks, but pretty wasn't one of them. He was fairly sure pretty was an adjective reserved for girls, but he'd take it. It wasn't every day he got complimented. An amused smile danced over his lips. "I've never been called that before." 

"Really? W-well it's true." Jiho's could feel his heart in his throat, fingers gripping onto a bejewelled bracelet on his left wrist. Why did he say any of that aloud? Now Taeyang was going to think he was an idiot. Even more so than he probably already did. He barely understood maths, for god's sake. 

Taeyang's eyes trailed down to Jiho's wrist. "What's that bracelet you always wear? You touch it a lot when you're nervous."

Jiho's hand stilled, as if he hadn't noticed the habit before. "My, uh, my mother gave me it when I was younger." He held out his wrist so Taeyang could see the stones closer. "They're amethysts, the lighter ones are Brazilian and the darker are African. They're my birthstone. They represent harmony and inner peace, I guess they subconsciously calm me down when I'm anxious."

Taeyang took a hold of Jiho's hand, so he could inspect the round cut gems, set in silver. Jiho's breath hitched as Taeyang thumb ghosted over the purple stones. 

"Birthstone?" Taeyang didn't even know what that meant. 

"Y-yeah. I was born in February."

"I'm August, what's mine?"

He watched as Jiho smiled to himself, eyes bright as he opened the top drawer of his desk and pulling out a black wooden box. Taeyang's eyes widened as Jiho lifted the lid off, revealing a number of different coloured stones. 

"Peridot." He picked out a tear drop shaped lime green stone and placed it in Taeyang's hand. "Your birthstone is peridot."

Taeyang held it up to the light, Jiho marvelled as it cast a chartreuse reflection over the elder's flawless bone structure. 

Taeyang pouted. "Your colour is nicer than mine."

Jiho laughed softly. "The colour isn't that important, all stones have meanings; powers, I guess. Peridot is really good for relieving stress, also, whenever I have trouble sleeping I place it on my bedside table." Jiho fiddled with the bracelet on his wrist again. "Sorry, that probably sounds really stupid..."

Taeyang shook his head, he had no idea why Jiho felt the need to apologise so much. "It doesn't sound stupid, your eyes lit up when I asked you about them. You shouldn't ever think something that interests you is stupid just because other people don't get it, Jiho."

Jiho's lips parted as Taeyang continued to survey the green stone. That's what his mother always said to him, that no matter what his father said he should stay true to himself. Somehow it meant more coming from Taeyang. His mother was meant to say things like that, it was her job, but the blonde barely knew him. 

Taeyang passed the precious stone back to Jiho. 

"Is there anything in there that will help you understand Pythagoras?"

 

  
✧ ✦ ✧

  


Taeyang was wrecked. Jiho had insisted he stay over an extra hour because he still didn't understand fractions, but Taeyang was starting to think Jiho just wanted to spend time with him. Surely, he wasn't a stupid as he made out considering that was something he should have learnt in primary school. 

It was close to 11pm by the time he got to the library, which luckily for him was open 24 hours, and he still had a 5000-word essay he hadn't even started that needed to be in by 9am. He really hated his life right now. He didn't even know why he was still at university, he had realised that after almost a year of studying medicine he had no interest in pursuing a job in said field. He just didn't care. He didn't want to save people's lives, he didn't want to study for nine years, he even didn't want to write this fucking essay. 

But he knew that dropping out now meant he would have to pay off the entire year, plus all the money he got from his maintenance loan. And he didn't have eight grand lying around. Also, his parents would kill him, there'd be no way he'd be allowed back home. Both of his older sisters were doctors, specialising in paediatrics and gynaecology respectfully. There's no way his parents would be on board with their only son dropping out and being a fucking barista or something. 

He groaned, opening his laptop and note book, which was quite frankly useless considering he had barely written anything in it. 

 _You can do this, Taeyang. It's only 5000 words. You have 10 whole hours. Then you only have three lectures to sit through on no sleep. Then you have to go straight to Jiho's..._ He sighed, dragging his hands down his face, eyes rolling back in his head as he realised what his life has become.

"Hey. You look stressed."

His eyes rolled forward to their normal position, revealing a boy sat opposite him with a sculpted face and black hair that was styled back off his forehead. 

"You could say that."

"Feel like there's not enough hours in the day to get everything done, huh?"

Taeyang nodded, exhaling heavily. He could have sworn the days shortened since he left high school. 

"I get that." The dark-haired boy laughed, holding out his hand. "Hyunho. Engineering." 

"Taeyang. Medicine." He replied, monotone. He felt bad that this guy was trying to strike up a conversation and he was being such an asshole, but he was just so stressed he couldn't really be bothered with human contact right now "Sorry, I'm so fucking tired. I've slept like five hours since Sunday and I'm gonna have to pull an all-nighter to finish this fucking essay for tomorrow." 

Hyunho took a sip of his drink, leaning closer to the blonde. "Want something to help you stay awake?"

Taeyang quirked an eyebrow, eyes falling on the can in his hands. "I have plenty of Red Bull to keep me going, thanks. Don't think I need anymore."

Hyunho stifled a laugh, digging in his inside pocket. "I meant something a little stronger." He opened his palm to reveal a small plastic bag with two pale yellow pills inside. "Trust me, they help."

"What is it?" Taeyang wasn't really into drugs, he had smoked weed at a festival last summer but that was about it. 

"Dextroamphetamine."

"ADHD medication?" Taeyang knew it had adverse effects on people that didn't suffer from attention deficit disorder, but he had never considered taking it, or any other prescription drug without a doctor's orders. Surely as a med student that would be some kind of sick juxtaposition. 

"Mhmm, I take them all the time when I want to cram for a test or need to pull an all-nighter, like you do." He placed the bag in the blonde's hand, moving Taeyang's fingers to curl around the plastic with his own. "Take them. I'm off for a week so I don't need any." Hyunho smiled, eyes forming crescent moons. 

This was...weird. Why was this kid he had never met giving him performance enhancing drugs in the middle of the library for free? 

"These aren't like...roofies, right?"

Hyunho's eyes shot open, genuinely offended Taeyang would even suggest such a thing. "I'm not a fucking rapist, Taeyang." He hissed, making sure no one else would be able to hear. "You just looked like you needed some help." 

Taeyang's shifted uncomfortably. _As if_ he just insinuated the other guy was trying to date rape him. 

"Sorry, I just don't usually take drugs from strangers." _Or anyone, for that matter._

An amused smile replaced Hyunho's frown. "We don't have to be strangers, give me your phone." 

Taeyang did, out of politeness if nothing else. He had already offended the guy, it was the least he could do. Hyunho passed him his phone back after ringing his own so he could save Taeyang's number. 

"A winky face, really?" Taeyang scoffed placing his phone face down on the table so it wouldn't distract him when he finally got around to starting his essay. 

Hyunho laughed quietly. "Well, you're cute. I was gonna put a kissy face, but I figured that might scare you away." 

Taeyang's face heated up, praying it wasn't visible, but by the smirk on Hyunho's lips he figured it probably was. How did Hyunho even know he was into guys? Was it that obvious? He really hoped not. 

"Anyway, I gotta go. But seriously, take them, they'll help." Hyunho stood, stretching, throwing his laptop bag over his shoulder. "If you ever need any more just text me, cutie." 

Taeyang blinked as the dark-haired boy walked off, fingers tightening around the pills in his hand. He really shouldn't. Surely, as a future doctor this went against everything he believed in. 

But he was really tired. Like, _really_ fucking tired. And if he didn't hand this essay in he was fucked. He looked around the library, making sure Hyunho was definitely gone. He still wasn't sure he trusted the taller boy, it's not like he knew him, at all. But he didn't have much of a choice. Sure, he had caffeine, but too much just made him feel sick, and he'd spend more time whining about that than doing any actual work.

The more the thought about it, the more he realised how oddly everyone else in the quiet building was acting. Everyone was moving so fast, so alert despite it being after midnight. Maybe more people did this than he thought. Maybe just this once it wouldn't be so bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	2. Rose Tinted Glasses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go chapter twoooo  
> just gonna ease u in slowly before we get to the real painful stuff heh
> 
> I say slowly,,,,,,i think jiho is already planning their wedding oop

Jiho was an idiot. He knew he was. Not just because he was terrible at maths, but because he had fallen head over heels in love with his maths tutor. After a month. 

Jiho saw the beauty in everything. He lived life through rose tinted glasses. He loved romance and crystals and flowers and that warm fuzzy feeling he got in the pit of his stomach whenever he saw someone he liked. 

More than anything he loved the idea of falling in love. In his eyes his parents had the most perfect relationship, they met in high school, fell in love, got married and stayed together. They were inseparable. He yearned for it, even as a child he would pick flowers for girls on the playground, hoping maybe she would be the one. 

Jiho grew up in the heart of London, in a gorgeous townhouse with his parents and older sister. His parents worked in the same area; they were both jewellers. His father a diamond dealer, with an eye for perfection; his mother a designer, with a flair for the extraordinary. Jiho was fascinated by the stones they would show him. Vibrant, flawless, precious. He would spend most of his free time at his parent's boutique, watching his mother create intricate designs with a magnifying glass and tweezers, learning about the clarity and cut of diamonds from his father. 

Diamonds were his favourite. They were popular but in no way overrated. Nothing left him more speechless than a round brilliant cut Grade D diamond. They were timeless, representing everlasting love. His heart swelled every time someone would come into their boutique shopping for an engagement ring for their significant other. 

By the time he was nine, he had already picked out the ring he was going to propose to the girl of his dreams with. An 18k white gold band featuring a solitaire two carat diamond, heart and arrow cut, with a round cut amethyst on each side of the diamond. He had drawn it up, so his mother could handcraft it when the time came. 

Amethyst was his own birth stone. His mother had told him it represented happiness, harmony and patience, three of the most important things when keeping a relationship alive. He truly believed that his positive outlook on life came from his birthstone, from the amethyst encrusted bracelet his mother had given him when he was just ten years old. The bracelet alternated between deep violet African amethysts and pale lavender Brazilian amethysts, and having a jeweller for a mother meant he could easily have another link added as he grew out of it. 

He had always assumed he would follow his parent's footsteps, joining their business in some shape or form, probably taking over from his mother since maths wasn't his strong point. He wasn't sure he had the knack for identifying diamond clarity, but he knew which stones worked well together; aesthetically and spiritually. 

However, what began as a hobby and a way for Jiho's mother to show off her beautiful child turned into a passion. Jiho began modelling at the tender age of two, when his mother insisted he was the cutest baby in London, entering him in local pageants, much to his father's dismay. It was the only thing his parents really argued about; Jiho's femininity. His only son had no interest in sports or playing in the dirt, he would much rather dress up in his mother's jewellery and pose for the camera. Jiho never understood his father's problem with that, or why he should be like _'normal boys'_ , or what a normal boy even was. 

When he hit fourteen he felt things change dramatically. Jiho didn't like change unless it was for the good. He liked peace, harmony, everything amethysts stood for. 

He could feel something shift inside of him, like a fault, a crack in his persona. Something felt off. His rosy outlook on the world turned to a dull grey. He didn't find beauty in half of the things he did when he was younger. And he had no interest in finding the girl of his dreams. 

He noticed his parents arguing more often, he wondered if it had always been like that and he was just starting to notice now that the rose-tinted glasses were off. It was when he realised they were mainly arguing over him that the grey haze completely clouded his vision. 

He had always felt like his father loved him less than his sister. She was a typical girly girl, pink, sparkles, ballet, all of that. But Jiho liked all of that stuff too, he couldn't understand why his father resented him for that. Why she was allowed to dance, and he had to do martial arts as a kid; which he hated. 

His father always hated the beauty pageants and photoshoots Jiho enjoyed doing so much. He hated the makeup and hair and the clothes he had to model. He hated that his son was hailed as pretty and not handsome. He hated everything about the way Jiho carried himself. He didn't hate his son, but he hated what his son, his only son, had become. 

The more his father belittled him for the things he enjoyed, the less he seemed to enjoy them. He didn't spend as much time watching his mother create jewelled pieces of art, he spent less time on his appearance of a morning, he even started to hate going to photoshoots. He lost interest in the things he loved so much, that made Jiho _Jiho_ , because he thought it would please his father. That maybe his father would love him more if he was _normal_. But he had even less interest in _normal_ boy things. He couldn't care less about football or dirty magazines or even girls anymore. He had lost interest in just about everything. 

Jiho's parents got a divorce just months before his fifteenth birthday. He didn't know if it was his fault or not, but he didn't really care. He chose to live with his mother, who had lost her zest for life too. She had gotten the boutique in the divorce settlement, but she no longer had the inspiration to create, hiring a designer to pick up her role. 

Nothing felt the same anymore, but something about his father being out of the picture made the grey mist turn a dusky pink. 

Jiho started smoking. Tobacco, weed, anything really. He needed something to help him reconnect with himself, find inner peace. He didn't want to be like this, he liked the old Jiho, he wanted him back. The old Jiho would never have turned to drugs though. 

He dug out the amethyst bracelet his mother gave him when he was a child. He didn't take it off for years, until his father commented that only girls wore jewellery like that, and that he was a disappointment. The stones were still as brilliant as he remembered, casting lilac and aubergine reflections over his wall as the gems glistened in the sun shining through his bedroom window. 

He smiled as he slipped the bracelet back on, it was a little tight. It had almost been a year since he wore it and he had grew a bit since then, but it felt right. Amethyst is a healing stone, it helps people overcome addiction and pain. It's perfect for meditation, spiritual awakening. That's exactly what Jiho needed, stones, not getting stoned. 

He had hidden all of his precious stones away when his father had begun throwing some of his clothes and possessions out that he deemed _'not manly enough'_. His father may be in the jewellery business, but he had no interest in the meanings behind the gems he sold, all he cared about was the money, finding the most perfect diamond. 

Jiho had begun to resent diamonds, what had once been his favourite stone now just reminded him of his father. It didn't represent undying love and strength anymore, but greed and superficiality. Amethysts slowly took their spot as his favourite. They were _his_ stone, he felt connected to them, like they were really helping him get over the years of emotional abuse from his father. 

He spent weeks meditating, getting to know himself again, and he slowly felt harmony return to his life. He felt like his old self again, the smoky mist clearing in his head. 

He began to see the beauty in things again. Dew drops like crystals scattered over fields on a cold spring morning, the smell of cinnamon enveloping him in a warm hug from his favourite bakery as he walked to school, how his scarf smelled like his mother's perfume as he buried is face in it as the cold air nipped at his nose. 

He even began to fall in love with the idea of falling in love again. He realised that it had never left him. What had changed is that he didn't want to find the perfect girl anymore. But the perfect boy. 

And then along came Taeyang, just a couple of months after his parents' divorce, weeks after he had found himself again. The grey clouds had parted, and this ray of sunshine had walked into his life. That couldn't be a coincidence, right? 

"I've decided what I want my engagement ring to look like when I'm older."

Jiho's mother laughed, drying off a plate as her son did his homework at the kitchen table. "I thought you had figured that out years ago, a solitaire diamond with amethysts."

Jiho shook his head. "That's the one I'm going to propose with, but I want one for myself too, obviously. As if I'd miss out on the chance to have more jewellery. I want the exact same, so we're matching, but with peridots instead of amethysts."

"Why peridots? You hate green." 

He shrugged, looking down at the lime green stone on the table in front of him. He had brought it down with a slab of amethyst to help him as he studied. Amethyst was perfect for charging other stones, and both amethyst and peridot promote harmony and help with stress. They work well together. Plus, it felt like Taeyang was here. 

"I think I'm in love."

His mother put down the dish she was drying, turning to her teenage son. This wasn't the first time she had heard those words fall from his lips, Jiho had been falling in love with girls since he was six years old. But during the divorce, when the depression hit him, it felt like he had lost all belief in love. It had been a good couple of years since she heard him say that. It brought a smile to her face. 

"What's her name?"

Jiho swallowed. _Her._ His fingers found their way to the jewelled bracelet on his slim wrist. 

"His... It's Taeyang."

His mother's eyes widened slightly, before an amused smile graced her features. "Is this you coming out to me?"

"I-I think so..." He avoided eye contact with his mother, the lack of tone in her voice make him anxious. 

"Don't you think he's a little old for you, honey?"

Jiho faltered. He knew his mother loved him, but he didn't think she would take this so well. He thought that she would be angry, but then he remembered she wasn't his father. His mother would always love him, no matter what. 

"He's only two years, six months and a day older than me. It's not that big of a difference."

His mother laughed, crossing the room to loop her arms around her son's shoulders. "At least your maths is improving."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyang hated studying for exams. Especially exams he couldn't give a shit about. His head was pounding and all he wanted to do was sleep, but he knew that wasn't an option. He still couldn't wrap his head around the lecture he had this morning.

He sat back in his seat, sighing deeply as he picked his phone up. He smiled to himself at the messages Jiho had been sending him throughout the day. He was so cute. Taeyang honestly wished Jiho was older, he wouldn't even hesitate in asking the dark-haired boy out. That was assuming Jiho liked him back. But it felt wrong having these feelings for a fifteen-year-old. 

Sure, Jiho didn't look his age, and apart from when he was whining over long division he didn't really act it either, but it was the principle. He would be eighteen in a couple of months and Jiho was just a kid. He wasn't even sure that it was legal. 

He didn't even bother replying to Jiho, needing to get the younger out of his head. Instead his thumb hovered over another number. 

Hyunho's. 

He had been contacting the dark-haired boy a lot more recently, the pills he had given him really helped out, kept him awake and focused. That was exactly what he needed right now. 

He pressed call. 

"Hey, cutie," Hyunho's voice sang down the line, "what can I do for you?"

"I have an exam coming up an-"

"And you wanted some pills? Got it. I'm a little busy so I can't come meet you but come over to mine and I'll sort you out."

Hyunho gave Taeyang his address and he found himself on the tube to god knows where. He briefly wondered if he was wasting more time travelling to get the drugs than he would actually studying later on. 

The pills were great for his concentration, and although he had said he'd only do it the once, they were difficult to say no to when he was so fucking tired all the time. He could fully understand why barely anyone started university before they were eighteen. It was way more than he could handle. 

On top of that, he felt totally isolated. A huge part of university involved getting drunk at least three times a week, and considering he was underage and in no way looked old enough to get in anywhere without ID he spent what little free time he had holed up in his room avoiding his housemates until they eventually came home off their faces. 

He guessed that in a way, it was a blessing. It gave him more time to study. Not that it seemed to happen. He had no idea how anyone else managed to squeeze a hectic social life into their already packed schedule. Maybe they were just smarter than him. Maybe he wasn't cut out for this. 

His parents had been beyond proud of him when he graduated high school a year early with five A* A Levels under his belt, way more than he needed to get into any university, and moved across the country to study medicine at UCL. It had always been their dream for him. He had thought it was his dream, until it became reality. He wondered if his sisters struggled this much, if they had truly wanted to go into medicine and actually enjoyed their jobs or if they just went along with it for the sake of their parents. 

He often fantasised about dropping out, but there was no way that was an option. Unless he wanted his parents to disown him, and he didn't. Not really. They weren't especially close but that was a step too far.  

He rang the doorbell of the address Hyunho had given him, hoping to god it was the right place. He was way too stressed and tired to deal with angry neighbours. 

He pulled his earphones out as the door opened, a wall of ridiculously loud drum and bass hitting him as a girl looked down on him from inside. 

"Who are you?"

"Uh...does someone called Hyunho live here?" He hoped she would know who he meant, figuring it probably wasn't that common of a name in London, plus, he had no idea what Hyunho's surname was. 

"Park!" The girl turned, screaming back into the house, though Taeyang had no idea how anyone would be able to hear her over the racket. 

Thankfully, someone did. Relief washed over Taeyang as Hyunho came to the door, a wide smile on his face. 

"Hey, cutie! Come on in!"

Taeyang followed Hyunho inside, trying to keep up with the dark-haired boy as he wove between the bodies in the apartment. Was this some kind of party or something? 

"Are you seriously still studying? It's Saturday night, Tae, you should relax a little." Hyunho threw an arm around his shoulder as they reached the kitchen, which was much more sparsely populated. "Beer?"

Taeyang mumbled a thanks as a bottle was shoved into his hand, because, well, it would be rude not to, right? He had never even been invited to a university party before, so he took it as a compliment or something. 

"Come chill with us for a bit, you look stressed as fuck." Hyunho led him into what seemed to be a second living room, a quieter one with less people in. The elder sat down on a worn sofa, patting the space next to him for Taeyang to come join. 

"I've got- I should really go."

"Don't worry about it! You're a smart kid, you'll do fine! Sit."

Taeyang obeyed, he wasn't totally sure why. Maybe it was because someone was actually paying attention to him for a change, someone actually wanted him to be there. Someone other than Jiho. It felt nice, being wanted. By someone who wasn't underage too, that was a bonus.

Before he knew it, he was three beers deep. Taeyang didn't really drink, it's not like he was against it, he had been to parties back home, but here he didn't really have that option. Maybe he should try and hang out with Hyunho and his friends more often. This felt nice. He wasn't drunk, but his head felt a little hazy and he had completely stopped stressing about his exams. Fuck that. 

"You wanna drag?"

Taeyang turned to Hyunho, eyebrows furrowed. He already had a cigarette in his mouth, why would Hyunho be offering him a drag of his?

 _Oh_. 

"I, uh-" He started, hesitating. He only done that once before, but he liked it so... Plus...it wasn't like he was going to get any more studying done tonight, and university was about experimenting so... Why the fuck not? 

"Yeah sure."

He took the blunt from Hyunho, inhaling deeply. It was...different from smoking a cigarette, he wasn't entirely sure he liked the taste, way too used to menthol. But he wouldn't knock it. 

Especially not after it had been passed around a few more times and the marijuana began to take effect. Fuck. He wasn't sure he'd felt this relaxed since he was like fourteen, before his exams began to matter. 

"It's nice seeing you loosen up, you're way too uptight, man." Hyunho nudged him, making Taeyang giggle uncharacteristically. Hyunho passed him yet another beer, he had lost count of how many he'd necked by now. "You should come chill with us more often."

 

 ✧ ✦ ✧

 

Jiho was nervous. That wasn't anything new, he was always nervous. He twisted the bracelet around his wrist as he waited for Taeyang to show up. He suggested that a change of scenery might do him good, learning in a different environment, but really, he just wanted to take Taeyang for a coffee so in his head it would be like a little date. 

The blonde placed a mug down in front of him as he took his seat, setting up books and calculators to ensure Jiho couldn't worm his way out of revising. 

He looked tired. Really tired. 

"Are you okay?"

Taeyang groaned, elbows on the table to prop his head up. Everything felt so...heavy. 

"I'm just...really fucking hungover."

"Oh..." Honestly, Jiho often forgot that Taeyang was older than him. He didn't really look it, and he should still be in high school himself, so it threw him a little to hear that Taeyang was off doing such...adult things. "Good night?"

"Yeah, actually. I was meant to be studying but then-" Taeyang stopped himself. There was no way he was about to tell jiho he was taking pills to help him stay focused. "I went over to a friend's and got drunk instead."

Was Hyunho even his friend? He sort of acted like it, inviting Taeyang to stay over, giving him drinks, helping him out with pills. They even shared a bed last night considering Taeyang was way too wasted to make the journey home. It was nice actually, Hyunho had gravitated towards him during the night, an arm lazily thrown over his waist. 

He could feel his cheeks heating up at the thought, eyes meeting Jiho's fleetingly before snapping back down to his coffee. He didn't like Hyunho like that...did he? Not that it would matter, there was no way Hyunho would like him back. Though, he did call him cutie all the time, and they did flirt a lot. Maybe he did. 

Hyunho was definitely his type. Tall, handsome, older. He had seen the elders body last night when Hyunho got changed and Taeyang couldn't deny that his eyes lingered a little longer than they should have. He was muscular, but not in an overly ripped, probably on steroids kind of way, in more of a could 100% pin Taeyang down and f-

He shook his head. This was neither the time or place to be thinking about that. 

"So, factorising quadratics." He laughed nervously, trying to distract himself. 

Jiho tore his eyes away from Taeyang for the first time since the elder had sat down beside him. He was blushing, profusely, and as adorable as Jiho found it he could tell it was because of this _friend_ he saw last night. 

He briefly wondered about the gender of this friend. He honestly had no idea whether Taeyang was into boys or girls, it wasn't something they ever talked about. But he wanted to know. He probably didn't have a chance with someone like Taeyang, but he still wanted to know. 

His hands made their way to his pocket, in search of something to calm him down. He must have a crystal in there somewhere. 

Instead he found a small, hard box. Fuck. That was the reason he wanted to bring Taeyang here in the first place. 

"Taeyang?" It was now or never, he had been mentally psyching himself up for this all day. The blonde looked up at him. "I got you something."

He reached into his pocket to present a small, glossy, black box, with a silver bow tied around it. 

"You have exams soon, right?" Taeyang nodded, taking the box from Jiho and unwrapping it. Inside were three gemstones one clear, one blue and one green. He looked back up at Jiho with awe in his eyes. 

"This is clear quartz," he picked up the see-through stone, "it's great for helping you clear your mind and focus. This one, is fluorite," the baby blue stone, which Taeyang realised had a lavender gradient in it as Jiho passed it over. "It's good for retaining information when researching. And this is peridot." He held up the light green stone for Taeyang to see. "I've already told you about that, it's really good for exam stress, plus with it being your birthstone it'll have a bigger effect on you than it does on most people." 

Jiho beamed down at Taeyang, he had no idea if the elder even cared about all of this stuff, whether he was just humouring him, but he wanted to get him something regardless. 

"Jiho...I hope these weren't too expensive." 

Jiho's smile faded a little. "Don't worry about that, you've helped me a lot with my exams, so these are to help you." He picked up the peridot and held it to Taeyang's forehead. "This is great for headaches too."

Taeyang laughed softly, if these things really did work that one would come in handy.

"Oh, that reminds me." He reached into his bag, pulling out a flat piece of layered crystal. "Use this amethyst to charge your stones, it'll give them more energy. Especially the peridot, peridot and amethyst complement each other really well."

Taeyang didn't say anything for a good thirty seconds, which began to make Jiho panic, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb over the slab of amethyst in his hand. _He hates them. This was such a bad idea, Jiho._

Taeyang smiled, that smile where the dimple in his right cheek was most prominent, where his sharp cheekbones were shown off best.

"Thank you, Jiho, this is really sweet." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	3. Summer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys Merry Christmas!!! I'm kinda sad I didn't get to write any Christmas themed fics this year but I had already done them for solitaire and undici sooooo here's a lil update bc I feel like I've totally abandoned this and you know how much I love my solitaire babies!!  
> I hope u all have a great day and thank you so much for reading ily all

July came around fast, and with the long days and warm nights came exam results and Jiho was even more anxious than usual. He didn't exactly need good grades for his chosen profession, but he knew he couldn't be a model forever, looks fade, and without at least a C in maths he would have no chance. 

Taeyang went along with him to collect his results, mainly because there was a promise of free coffee and biscuits, but also for moral support. Despite being outgoing and bubbly, Jiho didn't have that many friends. Being in an all-boys private school and having no interest in rugby or getting into the pants of the girls at the school down the street, he didn't exactly have much in common with many people in his year. 

"Hey, pretty boy." He tensed up, folding his arms across his stomach subconsciously, remembering the last time this group of boys approached him. "You going to the party in Knightsbridge tonight to drown your sorrows after you get all F's?"

Jiho froze, fingers ghosting over the black tourmaline he kept in his inside pocket. 

"Oh wait." The guy sneered. "You weren't invited, we can't be letting a faggot like you get drunk in a house full of fit guys like us, right lads?" He smirked, nudging his friends who laughed raucously behind him. 

Then his eyes fell to Taeyang. "Who's this? Your little boyfriend?" 

 _Fuck_. This isn't what he wanted to deal with today. The last thing he wanted was Taeyang seeing what a fucking loser he was. 

"And what if I am?" Jiho's eyes widened as Taeyang stepped in front of him, taking a drag from his cigarette as he looked up at the asshole that had approached them. 

He was the captain of the rugby team and had at least 30cm on Taeyang, but the blonde didn't seem at all phased, taking a step closer to the bully. His free hand dipped into his inside pocket, Jiho couldn't see what he pulled out due to Taeyang sanding directly in front of him, but he saw the guys eyes widen. 

"You talk to him like that again, and I'll fucking gut you." Taeyang's voice was low, Jiho had never even dreamed this side of him existed. 

"Let's go, baby." He turned back to Jiho, a sweet dimpled smile on his face as he took the younger boy's hand in his own, lacing their fingers together before leading him away from his tormentors, tossing his finished cigarette butt behind him. 

Jiho's face heated up. Taeyang was holding his hand, in public, after calling him baby, after defending him, after pretending to be his boyfriend. _Oh right_. Pretending. 

Jiho stopped, forcing Taeyang to stop too since their fingers were intertwined. "Do you have a knife on you?" Jiho hissed at the elder. Why the _fuck_ would Taeyang bring a weapon to his school? The blonde averted his eyes slightly. 

"Not all of London is like Chelsea, Jiho. My side of the city isn't nearly as safe as yours."

Jiho's fingers tightened around Taeyang's. The elder had never mentioned much about where he lived, never asked Jiho if he wanted to study at his place. He was a pretty sheltered kid, he didn't know much outside of the Southwest. 

"Come on, let's go see how well you did." 

Taeyang didn't let go of Jiho's hand until the younger had his results, ready to be opened. He took a deep breath, slowly ripping the manila envelope open and taking out the piece of paper inside his eyes scanned over the letters on the page. 

"Well?" Taeyang put his hand on Jiho's arm, expecting the worst due to the lack of reaction from the dark-haired boy. 

"I passed." His voice was barely above a whisper. 

"What?"

"I passed!" Jiho's eyes met Taeyang's, they were bright with excitement and relief. "I passed everything! I even got a B in maths! I could never have done this without you, Tae!"

Jiho didn't know what came over him next. Taeyang smiled back at him, bursting with pride and Jiho couldn't help but bring him into a tight embrace, planting his lips firmly on the elders. 

Taeyang froze in Jiho's arms. He hadn't been expecting that. He let his eyes fall shut, giving into Jiho for just a second, even though he knew it was wrong. His lips parted slightly, signalling for Jiho to move against him. The younger tilted his head, capturing Taeyang's top lip between his own before pulling away sharply, eyes wide. 

"Oh god, I-I'm so sorry. I don't know wha-" He was silenced by Taeyang's index finger pressed to his lips. 

"I'm taking you out for ice cream. To celebrate." He intertwined his fingers with Jiho's again, pulling the younger along behind him to his car. 

Jiho felt a warm glow in his chest as he watched Taeyang drive, the elder singing along to the radio. Taeyang hadn't rejected him, sure he had hesitated, but he had definitely kissed Jiho back. He didn't know what that meant though, maybe he was just being polite. That seemed like a very 'Taeyang' thing to do. He would never have embarrassed him by pulling away in front of people. 

"You shouldn't let them treat you like that, Jiho."

Jiho cocked his head, not fully taking in what Taeyang said as he was too busy staring at her perfect bone structure. Again. 

"Those dickheads back there." Taeyang pulled up outside an ice cream parlour near the river. "Just because you like different things and... like boys doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like shit."

Jiho swallowed thickly, Taeyang was looking at him with such intensity. 

"You...you don't care that I'm gay?

Taeyang laughed softly. "I wouldn't have let you kiss me if I did. Plus, it would be _kinda_ hypocritical of me if I hated you for that." 

"Will you be my boyfriend?" There he goes again, acting before thinking. He had no idea where that came from either, he wasn't usually this forward. But he wanted Taeyang, he needed him. 

"Jiho, listen." _Oh god this was a terrible idea he's gonna hate me and never want to speak to me again._ "I like you, a lot, but you're only fifteen, and I'm nearly eighteen. I know three years doesn't seem like that big of a difference but-"

"Two years, six months and a day. Not three." 

Taeyang smiled, fingers ghosting over Jiho's again. "Okay _fine_ , two years, six months and a day, doesn't seem like that big of a difference, and it's not, but you're just a kid. I don't mean that in a condescending way, but... I'd feel like I was taking advantage of you." 

Jiho's heart tightened. Why did he have to be born in 1994? It really wasn't that big of a difference, he knew people his age that dated way older people than Taeyang. The age of consent was sixteen in England, he was nearly sixteen...kinda. 

"Plus, you can do better, Jiho, trust me. I don't think I can give you the type of romance you've told me about." Taeyang couldn't remember the amount of soppy romantic comedies Jiho had forced him to watch when the dark-haired boy ultimately got bored of studying. "I'd still like to be friends though, if that's what you want."

Jiho settled back against the passenger seat, a sad smile in his lips as he glanced down at Taeyang's fingers lacing with his own. He couldn't let the blonde go completely. 

"Of course I still want to be friends, I like spending time with you." His eyes flicked up to Taeyang's lighter ones as his melancholy smile turned into a smirk. "Anyway, I'm not giving up on you that easily."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Just because Jiho's exams were over, didn't mean Taeyang got to relax. He didn't really have a summer break, he'd get about a week to go back home and see him family, but the rest of the season would be taken up by reading, reading and more reading. 

He was absolutely dreading it. 

He thought that maybe his disinterest in his chosen degree was just a small blip, that he'd get back on track and not consider dropping out every time he walked into the lecture theatre or opened a new text book. But that never happened. He hated it even more than ever. 

He had to force himself to go to the library, it was the only place he could concentrate without getting distracted. Kind of. Maybe if he'd left his phone at home he'd be more focused, but he couldn't bring himself to put it down when Jiho was constantly texting him. 

Jiho had definitely meant it when he said he wasn't going to give up on Taeyang that easily. He was still pulling out all the stops in an attempt to woo the elder, despite Taeyang turning him down. He found it cute, honestly. If Jiho was just a little older he wouldn't have hesitated to say yes. It just didn't feel right, not right now, anyway. Maybe in the future...

He laughed to himself as Jiho sent him link after link of events happening around London in the coming weeks. It was almost Taeyang's eighteenth birthday and the younger was determined to make sure he enjoyed it. There's no way he was letting him study on such an important day. 

Jiho couldn't exactly give Taeyang the proper eighteenth birthday experience, he was only fifteen himself, it's not like he'd be able to sneak into any bars, but they could have fun nonetheless. 

Taeyang closed his textbook as he checked Jiho's last message. He had reread the same page four times now and it wasn't sinking in so what was the point in even trying? He could pick it back up another day, another day when Jiho wasn't offering to take him out for waffles. 

Sometimes he felt weird about spending so much time with a kid, because that's what Jiho was, really. There may only be three years (two years, six months and a day) between them, but it wasn't like they were twenty-three and almost twenty-six, they were fifteen and almost eighteen. It was bigger than just the number of years, they were on completely different planes of maturity. 

And that wasn't Taeyang being patronising, it's not like Jiho was some stupid little kid that sill found spit balls and drawing dicks on things funny, he was actually pretty mature for his age having grown up in the modelling industry and all, but it wasn't the same. 

He sighed to himself as he stepped onto the tube, mouth dry. He really wished he didn't feel like this. He wasn't even sure what he was going to do once Jiho turned sixteen. It was only six months away and he wasn't sure Jiho's maturity level would change dramatically within that period of time. He would still be the same Jiho, just his age would be different, and did that really make it right? Going from fifteen to sixteen didn't mean anything if he still acted fifteen. Legally, it may be fine, but morally? Taeyang wasn't so sure. 

This was exactly why he didn't date people younger than himself. He'd stick to older guys because that was easy. They had experience and knew how to handle him, they could teach him things, like-

He stopped in his tracks as he exited the tube station, eyebrows furrowing. He had been with guys older than eighteen when he was Jiho's age. At the time he didn't think anything of it, if anything it made him feel special, but looking back... 

"Fuck."

There was no way he could do this. He _couldn't_ be with Jiho. He couldn't take advantage of someone that young, what was he thinking? Just because Jiho didn't act like an immature kid didn't mean he wasn't one. He wasn't an adult. He wasn't legally allowed to have sex. There was no way he could be ready for a proper relationship. 

This was so fucked up. 

"Tae?" Taeyang jumped as he heard his name, turning and coming face to face with Jiho. All colour drained from his skin. What the fuck was he meant to do now? 

He felt awful, like he was leading Jiho on, letting the younger chase after him in the hopes of them one day being together. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. 

Jiho was just some kid that he tutored. He was like, his student or something. His _student_. 

Taeyang felt nauseous as memories he had tried to repress flooded back. _Fuck_. 

"Taeyang, are you okay?" Jiho placed a hand on the elder's shoulder, he looked like he was about to pass out. 

Taeyang flinched as Jiho touched him, as if he had been scalded, glassy eyes shooting up to meet the youngers. 

This wasn't okay. He had to leave, like, now. 

"Jiho, I- I'm sorry I just- I can't do this, I have to go." 

Jiho stuttered as Taeyang turned away, heading back to the tube station. What the fuck? 

"Tae, wait!" 

He followed the elder, trying to catch his attention but Taeyang just ignored him. What was going on? They were meant to be going for food for Taeyang's birthday and now he was just taking off? 

"Taeyang!" Jiho dived in front of the blonde, stopping him from going anywhere without actually touching him. He looked like he was about to burst into tears or throw up the last time Jiho had. "What's wrong?"

"I just- I can't do this, Jiho. I can't spend this much time with you, I- You're just a kid. It's not right."

Jiho's jaw dropped. That's what this was about? They had agreed that they were just going to stay friends, at least until Jiho was sixteen. Had he been coming on too strongly or something? 

"We...we're just hanging out, Tae."

"But you think this is going to go somewhere and it isn't, okay?" Jiho's winced at how sharp Taeyang's tone was. He had never heard the elder speak like that before. "We're never going to happen, Jiho. You're a kid and it's just not right, okay? You're too young for me. I like older guys and- and that's it. I don't want to lead you on so- so maybe it's best we don't see each other as much."

Taeyang could practically hear Jiho's heart drop, mainly because his did the same. He didn't really mean any of that. He absolutely loved hanging out with Jiho, hearing the younger ramble on about something or other, hearing him laugh, the way his eyes would form little crescent moons when he smiled. But it was weird...because of the age difference and considering he knew how Jiho felt about him. It was weird. He had to cut things off before Jiho got hurt. 

"So-" Jiho took a shaky breath, fingers toying with the purple stones around his wrist, "-we can't even be friends?"

"I think it's best if we aren't."

Jiho nodded lowly. He had no idea where this was coming from, Taeyang had been texting him about how excited he was to meet up just minutes ago, and now he was completely breaking off their relationship, their friendship. 

"O-okay, well-" Jiho cleared his throat, not really knowing what to say. Confrontation wasn't his thing, it made him anxious, and the last thing he wanted to do was argue with Taeyang. "Well, I got you something anyway...happy birthday. I'll see y-" He stopped, correcting himself as he passed Taeyang a metallic gift bag. "Bye, Taeyang."

"Ji-" Taeyang went to stop him, before stopping himself. He felt fucking awful. He knew fine well Jiho didn't really have any friends and he had just totally cut him off. 

This made him feel even worse than before. It's not like they were even doing anything wrong. Jiho was taking him out for fucking waffles for his birthday and he had totally flipped out and ruined everything. Jiho had even gotten him a fucking birthday present. 

Taeyang groaned as he found a bench to sit on, opening up the gift bag. Inside was a t-shirt he had offhandedly mentioned he liked months ago when he and Jiho were walking around Soho one day. He had remembered? Or he had went back and bought this well in advance. 

Great. Why was he such a fucking asshole? Jiho wasn't exactly coming onto him or pressuring him to be in a relationship, they were literally just friends doing normal friend things like going to the movies or drinking bubble tea. 

He was the fucking worst. 

He had to make this right. He dipped into his pocket, intent on calling Jiho and apologising. He wasn't sure the younger would reply, but he had to try something. He couldn't just leave things like this. 

But as soon as he picked up his phone he realised he had a plethora of unread messages. But not from Jiho, from Hyunho. 

Hyunho: Text me right now, cutie!!'

Hyunho: Tae, I'm serious, I can't believe you've been keeping this from me!

[3 missed called from Hyunho]

Hyunho: Taeyang Kim if you're at the library I swear to god!!

Taeyang furrowed his eyebrows, temporarily forgetting about Jiho as the vaguity of Hyunho's texts caught his attention. Keeping from him? What was he keeping from Hyunho?

He decided to ring the other boy to find out, hoping he wasn't as mad as he came across in his text messages. 

_'Taeyang!! Finally! How come you didn't tell me it was your birthday?'_

Taeyang breathed a sigh of relief. He genuinely thought Hyunho had found out something awful about him. 

"It never really came up."

Hyunho scoffed. _'Well, we're having a party tonight and you're coming and you're going to be our guest of honour, okay? This is gonna be your birthday party!'_

"Uh-" Taeyang started. What the fuck? Where had that come from? He wasn't quite sure how to respond. "You don't have to do that, I mean, it's your party."

_"Taeyang, sweetness, you can't just do nothing on your eighteenth birthday. You have to celebrate it in style, get drunk off your ass now you're legal!'_

Taeyang laughed softly. That was true, he guessed. He could actually go buy alcohol and go to clubs now. He didn't just have to sit at home while all of his housemates went out and had a social life. 

Maybe that's why his closest friend was a fifteen-year-old. He didn't really have anyone he could hang out with while he was underage considering everyone else was out drinking three/four nights a week. Maybe now he could be like a normal university student. With actual friends. 

"Okay, fine! Just let me get ready and I'll be over."

_'Great! See you later, cutie! Mwah!'_

Taeyang flushed as at the kissy noise Hyunho made down the phone. He had no idea how the two of them had ended up friends, he was just some nerdy little med student that spent way too long in the library hating his life, and Hyunho was this super sociable party animal who everyone seemed to know. 

Yet he would constantly be ringing or texting Taeyang, asking him to come over for a few beers and a joint with his friends. It made him feel wanted. 

Fuck it. His problems with jiho could wait. Maybe it as for the best he had broken things off with the younger, anyway. He was going to get smashed with people his own age. It was his birthday, after all. 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyang was drunk. Like, really drunk. 

People had been handing him shots all night because 'you can't be sober on your eighteenth' and they had gone straight to his head. 

But he was actually enjoying himself. He had never really been in such a large group of people and not felt totally invisible before. Everyone was talking to him, laughing, joking around. He had even made out with this really cute guy who's name he couldn't remember. 

He was starting to lag, though. He had discovered from coming over to Hyunho's, which had developed into a weekly occurrence, that he was a sleepy drunk, that after a few hours he'd be curled up in a ball, usually snuggled into the elder. He thought that it was because he mainly drank beers, but he had begun adding spirits into the mix and that didn't seem to help any. He just really needed a nap. He didn't want to because he was having so much fun, but he honestly felt like he was about to pass out. 

He made his way upstairs, almost tripping over a couple making out on the stairs. Surely Hyunho wouldn't mind if he just had a quick power nap, right? He sort of hoped no one would notice. He didn't want to look like a total lightweight. 

He pushed through into Hyunho's bedroom, freezing as he realised there were already people in there; Hyunho and a few of his friends were sat on the bed. 

"Oh- Sorry, I-"

A knowing smile crept onto Hyunho's face. He should have seen this coming, really. 

"You tired, cutie?"

Taeyang groaned, fingers running through his hair as he nodded. Great. Now he probably looked like an idiot in front of all of Hyunho's friends. 

None of them laughed, though, so that made him feel a little better. 

Hyunho patted the bed next to him, throwing his friends a look that made them all leave. Was he clearing the room so Taeyang could sleep? That was pretty cute. 

"It's your birthday! You can't sleep yet." Hyunho pouted as Taeyang sat beside him, taking all of his will power not to lie down and just pass out. 

"I know, I don't want to." Hyunho laughed softly as Taeyang replicated his pout. He really was adorable. 

"Here, I have something for you."

Taeyang's heart skipped a beat. Hyunho had gotten him a birthday present? His mouth became impossibly dry as the elder turned around to get something. 

His eyebrows furrowed as Hyunho turned back, a tiny plastic bag in his hand, filled with pink pills. 

"This'll wake you up."

"Is that..."

"Ecstasy? Yeah." Hyunho smiled as if he had just offered Taeyang another beer. Not fucking ecstasy. "It's good stuff, don't worry, I only have the best."

Taeyang couldn't believe how casual Hyunho was about all of this. And it had never really crossed his mind that the elder was actually a drug dealer. He guessed he didn't really see the pills he took as actually illegal drugs, because they were prescription, just not prescribed to him. But this was a Class A drug. That could seven years in prison just for possession. Up to life for dealing. 

"Uh...I dunno, I'm not really into-"

"Babe," Taeyang's stomach flipped at the term of endearment, "come on, it'll be fun. You're gonna be wide awake and feel amazing, trust me. I'll do it with you if you want."

Taeyang's eyes locked on the bag. He _did_ want to stay awake, but did he really want to stay awake like this? Though, it was his birthday and he was having so much fun he didn't want to crash and burn now. Plus, he took pills to keep him awake all the time, this wasn't that much different apart from the fact Hyunho said it would be better. 

University was for experimenting, right?

"Okay, fine."

Hyunho clapped his hands together almost childishly. 

"Open up."

Taeyang's face heated up as he parted his lips, as Hyunho placed the pill on the tip of his own tongue and leant in. He whimpered softly as Hyunho's lips cane into contact with his own, tongue pushing the pill into his mouth. He let his eyes flutter shut, because although he had never really let himself think about it, he had wanted this for a while now. Hyunho was hot, like, really hot, and he was always so nice for him it was difficult for Taeyang not to fall for him. 

Plus, Hyunho was older than him, unlike Jiho. 

_Jiho._

The boy popped into his mind for just a spilt second before Hyunho pulled away, swallowing a pill of his own. 

"Come on," Hyunho stood, taking Taeyang by the hand, "you'll feel fucking amazing in like half an hour."

But he didn't. He felt incredibly nauseous and dizzy. Like the room was spinning and if he didn't sit down he'd pass out. But he couldn't sit down. Not for more than a couple of seconds before his body was urging him to get up again and just keep moving. He had to keep moving. 

He began to panic a little, because he had no idea who all of these people around him were, or why they all seemed to be moving so slowly. Where even was he? Why was he here? What was-

And then everything changed. It was like someone had flipped a switch and everything was so much brighter, more vivid. His body felt...lighter, almost. Like all of his worries had evaporated and everything just felt...right. He felt happy, like, really happy and all he wanted to do was dance and make out with someone. 

So that's what he did. He found a cute guy that couldn't take his eyes of off him, stuck his tongue down his throat and eventually fell into bed with him. 

Everything just felt...so much better on ecstasy. Like his senses were heightened. Like his body as literally on fire as this guy who's name he couldn't even remember fucked into him. He could have honestly been shit in bed, but thanks to the drugs it felt like the best sex of Taeyang's life. Maybe he should always pop an e before getting laid. 

He fell asleep that night with a smile on his face, in Hyunho's bed after that guy had went home and the elder insisted he come sleep next to him. He finally felt like a real university student, like he had been accepted by people his own age. Like he wasn't being treated like a little kid anymore just because he was seventeen instead of eighteen. 

That made his stomach twist a little, though, because that's exactly what he was doing to Jiho. In a way, age _was_ just a number. Taeyang was exactly the same person he was yesterday, when he was still seventeen, but people seemed more accepting of him. But Jiho...

He groaned to himself. He didn't want to think about this right now. His head was banging, and he could barely keep his eyes open. So, he decided snuggling into Hyunho would be the better option, humming softly to himself as a strong arm curled around his waist. 

"Night, cutie. Happy birthday."

Taeyang tilted his head up, pressing a soft kiss to Hyunho's jawline as a way of saying thank you for the party. 

"Night, Hyunho."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyang actually began to enjoy university life, eventually choosing to stay in London during the summer holidays. He would much rather go out and get drunk with his friends than go back home and sit around with his parents. He actually had friends now and he wasn't ready to let go of that. 

He absolutely loved summer. He loved the long days and light nights and the heat. He felt like anything was possible in summer. Like he could do whatever he wanted. Especially when he didn't have essays or exams to worry about. 

When Taeyang said he liked university life now, he meant it. He liked university _life_. But he still hated university. He hated his degree and medicine and studying, so much so that he rarely did any of that anymore. Honestly, he was surprised he even passed his first year. But he didn't want to drop out because then he'd have to go home and deal with his parents and miss out on all the fun there was to be held down in London. 

So, he decided to stick around for his second year. 

Mainly so he could keep getting drunk, getting laid and experimenting with drugs. 

When he was younger, Taeyang had never seen himself as someone like this, he had never really understood why people took illegal substances. He always felt like they were for uninteresting people, those who couldn't have fun without. 

But that was until he started buying from Hyunho. Sure, the first few times were free, but the elder had to make a living and Taeyang was more than happy to help him out with that. It was just a shame that his drug of choice happened to be a little on the expensive side. 

Cocaine. The one thing he always said he'd never take. Pills were one thing, but snorting a powder was another. But, it turned out he fucking loved it. He loved the euphoria, the way it made him feel alive, like nothing could touch him. He actually couldn't remember the last time he went out and didn't have a line. It just became habit. He was pretty sure he wasn't addicted, he'd only been doing it a couple of months after all, surely it took longer than that to become addicted to cocaine. It was just force of habit now. 

That's what he told himself as he wiped his nose, checking it in the mirror for any residue before heading back downstairs. Not that it really mattered, he was pretty sure everyone at this party was on something or other. 

He felt better now. Like he could actually talk to people and have a good time. The cocaine gave him a confidence boost, made him more sociable, made him feel better about himself. Before began taking drugs he wouldn't have had had the confidence to chat someone up or take them home. He had almost resigned himself to being alone, because he wasn't overly romantic or affectionate and talking to others made him incredibly anxious. 

Apart from Jiho, but that was no longer an option. He couldn't remember the last time they spoke, and it was probably for the best. He missed having someone to hang out with, that didn't result in a come down the next morning, but it was definitely in Jiho's best interests that nothing happened between them. It just wasn't right. 

So Taeyang pushed the younger out of his mind, like he did every night when he looked for someone else to make him feel good. Someone to fuck him so hard he'd completely forget about that boy that had once had the effect on him he could now only get from drugs. 

He smiled as someone caught his eye from across the room. Someone stunning. Tall, dark, handsome, strong arms, thick rimmed glasses and a chiselled jaw. He was exactly Taeyang's type. And he was making a b-line straight for the blonde. Fuck. 

"Hey, you want a drink?"

"Sure."

Taeyang could never understand why so many people didn't like to mix cocaine and alcohol, for him it made the high so much better. He couldn't stop talking and this guy seemed to find it endearing, if the hand on Taeyang's waist pulling him in closer was anything to go by. 

But Taeyang couldn't seem to get over this sense of deja vu. He couldn't tell if it was a side effect from the drugs or that he recognised this guy or the situation. Jesus Christ what if they had already slept together and he couldn't remember because he was so off his face? That would be embarrassing. 

"What did you say you're studying, again?" Taeyang tilted his head as the guy left a trail of kisses down his neck. He could feel the high beginning to wear off, the come down lurking, a dark shadow cast over his night. Maybe that's why he was suddenly so concerned with who this guy was, as if he wasn't already pinned to a bed underneath him. 

"Studying? Oh, I'm not a student." The guy chuckled, lowly before biting into Taeyang's neck, making the blonde hiss. "I'm a lecturer. I teach history."

That's when the come down really set in. When Taeyang's heart dropped. When his body went numb. He was...a lecturer? Like...a professor? At his university? And he was on the verge of sleeping with a student?

That was it. That was the sense of deja vu. 

This wasn't happening again. 

Taeyang pushed the man off of him, standing up on shaky legs as he began to make his way out of the room, ignoring the calls of his name. He couldn't even respond, worried that if he opened his mouth he'd throw up. 

He had to leave. Like, now. But he wasn't sure he could bring himself to move fast enough or call a taxi. Maybe...maybe a little medicine would help. 

He found an empty bathroom, cutting himself a line, or maybe three, with his bank card. This was exactly what he needed right now. He couldn't think of anything else that would make him feel better. That would give him the courage to get out of here. That would stop him having a full blown mental breakdown in the house of someone he barely even knew. 

His head spun as he stood up straight, lopsidedly smiling at himself in the mirror. His eyes were a little bloodshot from holding in the tears, but his pupils were so dilated you could barely tell. 

This was better. 

But he still wanted to leave, scared that guy might find him again and want to talk or pick up where they left off. He couldn't do that. So, he called a taxi, jumping in and telling the driver his destination. 

Only, he didn't pull up at his own place. 

But Jiho's. 

What the fuck was he doing here? Had he subconsciously given the driver Jiho's address instead of his own? He honestly couldn't remember. What the fuck? 

He should leave. Right now. He shouldn't be here after the way he had treated the younger, because of his true feelings. It wasn't right. He was in a position of trust, just like that lecturer, just like- No. he had to go. 

But he found himself stepping out of the taxi and making his way to Jiho's front door. He found himself calling the younger, praying he'd pick up despite it being 2am. He found himself close to tears of joy when he heard a sleepy 'hello' down the line. 

"Can I come in?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	4. Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter four!!! This is where things start to get a little dark, sorry. I'm sure you all guessed from previous parts of solitaire that Taeyang had his demons in the past, well,,,,,here is where you're gonna find out about them  
> My poor baby I'm sorry :(((
> 
> Also this chapter was a lil difficult to write for me so I hope I didn't fuck the writing up aksnnans

"Taeyang, what's going on?"

Jiho had let Taeyang in, as long as the elder promised to be quiet while coming up the stairs, his mother was fast asleep, after all. But he had no idea why he was here, Taeyang hadn't said a single thing after hanging up the phone. He was just sat on the edge of Jiho's bed, staring vacantly at the floor.

It had been months since Jiho last saw Taeyang, since the elder freaked out on his birthday, since he had cut off all contact with Jiho, ignoring his constant text messages. And now he was here, in Jiho's room, at 2am.

He looked different, tired. Like he hadn't slept properly in weeks. Well, he knew that Taeyang rarely slept anyway that he was too busy studying. But this felt different, no matter what Taeyang's skin always seemed to have a glow about it, but not tonight, it looked dull, the bags under his eyes looked heavy even though his eyes looked…wide. Focused. Hyper-focused, almost. But on nothing. He was just staring at a blank spot on the floor.

The whole situation made Jiho feel uneasy.

"Taeyang-" Jiho started again, sitting down on the bed next to the blonde, "are you okay?"

"I'm sorry." Taeyang's voice was small, on the verge of cracking. He didn’t even know what he was apologising for. Being here at such a ridiculous hour? Ignoring Jiho for so long? "For…everything."

Taeyang took a shuddering breath in, turning to face Jiho. It was only then when he realised how watery the elder's eyes were. Taeyang crying had never even crossed his mind before but he looked…broken.

"I-I never…I didn’t want to push you away I just- I don't know what to do. I- This just felt wrong. I'm sorry."

"Because I have a crush on you?" Jiho had wondered exactly what it was Taeyang had meant when he said that what they were doing wasn’t right – because Jiho was just a kid. They hadn't done anything. Sure, they had that one kiss after Jiho passed his exams but…that was just in the heat of the moment, they had agreed to just be friends but all of a sudden Taeyang didn't even want that anymore.

"Because…" Because Taeyang liked him back, and that wasn't okay. "Can I tell you something that I've never told anyone since I got here?"

Jiho nodded, stomach knotting at how intently Taeyang was looking at him. he could just tell this wasn't going to be something good.

"When I was your age, I-" Taeyang swallowed thickly, not even sure why he was telling Jiho this. It was something he had all but forgotten about, something he had repressed until recently when all of those memories came flooding back. Maybe that’s why he got drunk almost every night, why he couldn't remember the last time he had went a night without taking cocaine.

No, that was stupid. He was only doing those things because he enjoyed them. They made him feel better.

They weren't a crutch, he was fine. Really.

But he had to tell Jiho this, he had to make him understand.

"I had this teacher and we- he-"

Jiho reached over, taking Taeyang's hand in his own as be seemed to stutter. He was worried the blonde would pull away, but he didn't.

"He took advantage of me." Taeyang blurted out, figuring there was no beating around the bush with this one. There was once a time when he described what they had as a relationship, because that’s what it had been sold as. It made him feel special, that someone three times his age would have an interest in him, would want to be with him.

But he knew that wasn't the case. He knew that now. It wasn't some romantic fairy-tale of forbidden love. He had been taken advantage of by a predator in a position of trust.

And he couldn't be that person to Jiho.

"He wh- Taeyang!" Jiho's eyes widened, shuffling a little closer to the elder, urging him to look up, to look him in the eyes. They were so red so…his pupils were huge. Was that a side effect of crying? He had never noticed that on anyone before. But that was the least of his concerns right now. That was the last thing he expected Taeyang to say.

"I just- I'm the adult here, Jiho. You're only fifteen, I'm your maths tutor, I don't- I can't do that to you."

"Tae this, this isn't the same. You aren't taking advantage of me."

"I feel like I would be though. I thought I was in love with him and that I was special or something but-" Taeyang couldn't even finish his sentence as he broke down, as everything caught up with him. This was never something he had really opened up about, something his parents never really wanted to talk about. He felt like they blamed him, almost, for being so stupid. For believing all of the lies, for buying into the fantasy. So, he never spoke about it. He kept those memories repressed, kept everything bottled up. 

But now he had smashed that bottle and the floodgates had opened. He couldn't even bring himself to push Jiho away when the younger pulled him into his chest, arms wrapped around his shoulders and he rocked him gently back and forth, trying his hardest to get Taeyang to calm down. 

He wanted to say it was okay, that everything would be fine, but he couldn't promise that. He had no idea what Taeyang had been through. 

What he did know that whatever was going on between them was completely different. He could see where Taeyang was coming from, that his past experiences were making this way more difficult for him. But Taeyang wasn't taking advantage of Jiho in any way, and there wasn't that big of an age gap. Not really. Jiho couldn't help that he had fallen for someone a little older than him. And it wasn't Taeyang's fault if he had fallen too. Sometimes that's just how things worked out. 

But he didn't want to push that. Not tonight. This was the first time he had seen Taeyang in ages and the last thing he wanted was for the blonde to take off again, especially considering the state he was in. 

So Jiho just held him, until the sobs subsided and Taeyang was barely conscious in his arms. He lay himself down, still cradling Taeyang as he pulled the other down with him, throwing a blanket over them both. He watched as Taeyang drifted off, too physically and emotionally tired to protest against what was happening, to point out that the last place he should be right now was in bed next to Jiho, even if all they were doing was sleeping. 

Because, honestly, he had missed the way this room smelled. He had never realised what a calming effect jasmine had on him. He missed being close to Jiho, hearing the dark-haired boy say his name. He missed...he just missed Jiho. He missed being friends with him and having someone to go get food with. He missed rolling his eyes as the younger whined about having to go over some maths problem for the eighth time. He missed the laughter and the butterflies he got in his stomach whenever they were together, no matter how weird they made him feel. 

So that's why he didn't protest. He wasn't sure he'd be able to make it home if he did anyway, but he couldn't bring himself to leave, regardless. He let himself give in, just for one night. Let himself fall asleep as Jiho's fingers carded through bleached hair, reassuring him that he was still there, that everything would be alright. 

"We can speak more in the morning, yeah?"

Taeyang nodded against the pillows. As much as he hated talking about his feelings, he had to admit that letting it all out to someone he trusted made him feel better. Like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. 

Maybe...maybe things would start to get better now. 

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyang went back to tutoring Jiho, they just about went back to normal. Apart from the fact Jiho knew this _thing_ about him now, and he felt like he could see it in Jiho's eyes every time he looked at him. Something like...not pity, but he almost seemed a little protective of Taeyang now, shooting people a glare if they walked into the blonde or throwing an arm around his shoulders if someone got too close. It was weird but...Taeyang would be lying if he said he didn't kind of like it. He had missed Jiho so fucking much. 

Plus, he has running low on money and his parents weren't willing to send him any since he refused to go home over summer, so he desperately needed to start tutoring again because he wasn't sure he could go a day without cocaine anymore. 

It wasn't like he was addicted or anything, of course not, it was just something he wanted to do, so he did. It made him feel better and that's all that mattered. 

He never thought he would be one of those people - one that did drugs. Sure, he had begun smoking when he was like fourteen, and he didn't see the big problem with underage drinking, but drugs were something he had never really considered until he met Hyunho. 

It was weird, he had no idea where he stood with the elder. Hyunho had seemed to back off a bit now that Taeyang was one of his regular customers. Had he only flirted with the blonde to get him hooked? To drag him into his clientele? Taeyang wasn't sure he wanted to believe that, because Hyunho had always been so nice to him. He'd still always call Taeyang 'cutie', which made his stomach churn every single time and he wasn't sure why, but long gone were the days of free gifts. No, Taeyang was expected to pay up now. 

Which was easier said than done. 

Jiho's mother still paid him a decent amount for his tutoring, but in reality, that would only buy him a couple of grams a week, and more often than not he was powering through a gram a day. 

Part of him knew he should probably cut back, or just quit all together. He knew the consequences, but he just didn't really care. He had known the consequences of smoking for years, but he still did it. For a med student, Taeyang didn't really think about the side effects of his habits all that often. 

Plus, he was enjoying himself way too much to give up now. The thought of withdrawing on top of all of his essays and exams knocked him sick. 

He'd be fine. 

Or at least, that's what he told himself as his rent was way overdue and he had to sacrifice a night of drinking and drugs, so he could keep a roof over his head considering it was December and there's no way he'd survive on the streets. 

He hadn't thought it would have been that big of a deal - it was one night, right? Surely, he could get through one night without getting drunk like any normal person. 

But then it dawned on him that it wouldn't just be one night. That it would be a good couple of weeks until he'd have enough money. Maybe he could just, like, not eat. He didn't need food, right? It's not like he got hungry when he was high anyway it'd be fine. Plus, if he was hungry he wouldn't be able to concentrate on his work, and to be perfectly honest he wasn't sure that he'd be able to concentrate if he was sober either. It had kind of reached that point. 

He sat back in his chair, hands raking through his hair, which was a lot damper than it should be considering he hadn't washed it or done any sort of physical activity recently. 

Fuck. 

He groaned to himself. Was this seriously happening? Was this actually what his life had come to? Was he having withdrawal symptoms after a day without drink or drugs? 

No. 

There was no way that was happening because he wasn't addicted. He was just being stupid. He'd just have to do something else to take his mind off of it. 

So, he opened his text book, realising that he had barely read anything he was meant to for this term and put his music on full blast. Hopefully that would drown out that voice in his head that was screaming at him to get more coke. 

He let himself get absorbed in the mundane world of musculoskeletal systems, and it worked. For all of twenty minutes before he got bored and couldn't seem to sit still as he realised he actually didn't give a fuck about musculoskeletal systems or his degree or becoming a surgeon. 

He just wanted to go out, get off his face and have fun. 

So, he thought: fuck it. It's not like he had an exam coming up, anyway. He had plenty of time to study, he didn't have to do it _tonight_. 

He made his way to Hyunho's, knowing there was a party there tonight. There was a party there almost every night, anyway. To be honest, he was starting to doubt whether Hyunho was even a student or whether he just pretended to be to hang around the campus and sell stuff to people. If he was a student, then he was probably failing just as much as Taeyang was right now. There was no way anyone could party that much and still get decent grades. 

Fortunately, he was right, there was a party going on. In fact, the place was rammed. Which was just as well considering he hadn't brought any drink of his own and there was plenty to go around. He helped himself to a beer as he set off to find Hyunho. 

His skin was starting to itch a little at the prospect of getting high. It hadn't even been that long, but it felt like forever and now he was here, it was all he could think about. 

"Hyunho!" He finally caught up with the dark-haired boy, who flashed him a bright white smile. 

"Hey, cutie. What you doing here?"

"You selling?"

"Yeah. What do you want? A gram?"

Taeyang nodded, digging a couple of notes out of his pocket, butterflies already setting off in his stomach in anticipation. He really fucking needed this. 

But Hyunho just quirked an eyebrow in response. 

"That's not enough, prices have gone up, sorry, babe."

"Well, can I just have half then?" Taeyang couldn't even be bothered to get into why Hyunho's prices had suddenly changed. He just really fucking needed a fix. 

"You know I only deal full grams, Tae."

Taeyang groaned in frustration. What the fuck was he meant to do? He had built this up so much in his mind that there was no way he could go without now. 

"Well, can I just owe you it, then? I get paid next week."

Hyunho shook his head. As a dealer he knew fine well IOUs were bullshit. He had been fucked over too many times to fall for that again, even from someone like Taeyang. There was no way he was getting into trouble with his contact again just because he thought the guy was cute. 

However. 

"There is another way you could pay me, though."

Taeyang's ears pricked up. "What? Like a tab? With interest or something?" That's how desperate he was. He was willing to pay a percentage more than he had to. 

"Come with me."

Taeyang let Hyunho lead him upstairs, barely focusing on what was happening. He felt like he couldn't really think straight without the stuff, anyway. 

"Sit down."

Taeyang obeyed, sitting on the edge of Hyunho's bed. He wasn't exactly in a position to argue. Hyunho had something he wanted, no, needed, and his cravings were so bad he was willing to do just about anything to get it. 

"I'll pay the rest off for you-" Taeyang's eyes widened, heart leaping into his throat. Hyunho would really do that for him? "-if..."

Oh. Of course, there would be an if. Taeyang really hoped Hyunho didn't want him to get involved with dealing because he wasn't sure he could do that. Taking the stuff was one thing, from what he had seen from people he knew in possession, the police didn't really bother giving them much more than a slap on the wrist. But actually distributing drugs? That was a lot more risk than he was willing to take on. He didn't really want to be dragged into that world. 

"...you sleep with me."

_What?_

"What?" 

Did Taeyang just hear that right? Hyunho... Hyunho wanted to sleep with him in exchange for drugs? He wanted Taeyang to pay...with his body? 

That was prostitution...right?

"Your choice, Taeyang, and it's not a bad one, really." Hyunho's entire persona seemed to change, his voice deepened, eyes darkened, features seemed to get sharper. Taeyang wasn't sure he liked this new Hyunho. "Don't tell me you haven't thought about it."

Taeyang swallowed, avoiding Hyunho's gaze. That was true. There was a time where he'd wake up in the middle of the night, hard, sweaty and a little embarrassed that he'd been thinking about his friend in that way - especially considering it would usually involve Hyunho pinning him to some hard surface and fucking him til he couldn't cry out in pleasure anymore. 

But it had been a while since that had happened. He wasn't sure he really thought about Hyunho like that anymore. They weren't exactly friends now, anyway, they had more of a business style relationship. 

And regardless, that didn't mean he wanted to sleep with _anyone_ in exchange for drugs. Not even Hyunho. 

Why was he even sat here debating it? He wasn't going to lower himself to that. He could have a good time just drinking, he didn't need to whore himself out for a couple of lines. He could wait a few days until he had the money. 

"I-I dunno, I think-"

"Hey, if you wanna go without then that's fine. Just putting it out there." Hyunho stood, hands raised in surrender. "I'd be willing to do that for you though, Taeyang."

Hyunho suppressed a smirk as Taeyang seemed to think it over again. That usually worked. Making himself out to be the good guy in all of this. Helping someone get a fix for a cheaper price, like your friendly neighbourhood drug dealer. Not like he was preying on vulnerable people he had gotten hooked on whatever. 

The way Hyunho spoke made Taeyang...he wasn't really sure what it made him feel. Everything in general felt weird and he wasn't sure if it was from Hyunho's proposition or the fact he was craving coke so badly and no matter how many times he told himself he could go without, there was this niggling voice in the back of his head telling him he needed it, or he'd feel like shit all night and have an awful time. 

Plus, it was Hyunho. He... He had always been nice to Taeyang and he'd be lying if he said he didn't find the elder attractive so... It wouldn't be the end of the world, right? He would have probably slept with Hyunho regardless, if the offer had ever arisen without the whole...prostitution thing being involved. 

He pushed that word out of his head, because it seemed like an over exaggeration. It wasn't the same thing, right? 

If he told himself it wasn't, then it wasn't. He wasn't a prostitute. He was just going to sleep with a hot guy he was friends with and get a little something in return at the end. 

Jesus Christ. 

Was he really agreeing to do this? 

He almost changed his mind - for what felt like the seventeenth time - before he caught a glimpse of the small plastic bag in Hyunho's hand. 

And it made him whine. Verbally. Loud enough that Hyunho most definitely heard. 

He really needed this. 

Fuck it. 

"Okay, fine." Taeyang looked up at Hyunho, breath shuddering slightly as he tried to steady his heart rate. "I'll do it."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Jiho had refused to let Taeyang get away this time. His feelings for the elder may not have subsided, but he was more than happy for them to be friends. He understood that Taeyang was struggling with his past, and he didn’t want to push anything, but he could just sense this…thing between them. A spark or something just as cliché. And he wasn't sure if it was right or wrong that what Taeyang had told him actually made him feel closer to the elder, considering.

It was December, just a week before Christmas. Jiho had invited Taeyang along to the Christmas market in Southbank, insisting on holding the elder's hand because he had _'forgotten'_ his gloves. He felt a jolt of electricity through his veins as their skin touched. Maybe it was that spark he mentioned earlier.

He knew Taeyang would be going back home for Christmas, and even if it was only for a couple of weeks, it didn't mean he wanted it to happen. After how much time they had spent apart over summer, he wasn’t sure he could bare being away from Taeyang again.

The two of them were sat at one of the stalls, sipping on mulled wine which Jiho insisted Taeyang buy for him, despite not being old enough, because he claimed it would keep them warm. And Taeyang wasn't exactly complaining. He hadn't taken anything all day, knowing he was meeting up with Jiho, and this would definitely take the edge off.

"I brought your Christmas present, since I won't get to see you again until like January." Jiho pouted, he had been whining to Taeyang all week about how lonely he would be while the elder was back in his hometown. "Put your left hand out and close your eyes." 

Taeyang quirked an eyebrow, not fully sure where Jiho was going with this, but obeying regardless. 

Jiho smiled to himself as he opened the small velvet box he had in his inside pocket, taking out the ring he had helped his mother make. It was an exact replica of the engagement ring he had always imagined, but made with much cheaper materials. White gold and diamonds weren't exactly in his price range. 

As a substitute for diamond, he used white kunzite, a gemstone often used for soul revival, bringing the soul back to where it belonged. He hoped that it would make sure Taeyang would return to him safely. 

He slipped the ring on the elder's middle finger, the blonde opening his eyes as he realised what was happening. 

"Woah, Jiho." He held his hand up to his face, fingers splayed, so he could see the ring more clearly. "It's gorgeous." 

Jiho smiled, taking Taeyang's hand and explaining the meanings of the stones to him. "I mainly chose amethyst to remind you of me though." He giggled, thumb ghosting over one of the lilac stones on Taeyang's finger. 

He picked up on a slight change in Taeyang's mood as Jiho mentioned the elder going home. 

"Are you okay? Your aura's off."

Taeyang forced a smile, still looking at the jewellery Jiho had gave him. "Yeah, I just...I don't really want to go home for Christmas, but I've already booked the train tickets and told my parents I would. I'm kinda dreading it to be honest."

That was only partially a lie. He didn't want to go home for those reasons, but he also knew how difficult it would be to score back home. He didn't know people that dealt up there, didn't even know how to find dealers. Hyunho had just conveniently found him. 

Plus, it wasn't like he had enough money to buy enough to last him in advance. He was still using...alternate methods of payments. Train tickets were expensive. 

Jiho didn't know a lot about Taeyang's home life, it wasn't something he mentioned often, other than before moving to London for university he lived in a small city in the North East of England, close to the Scottish border with his parents and sisters. But he didn't seem all that thrilled to be going back. He wondered if it was something to do with what he had told him that time he turned up outside Jiho's house at 2am. 

"Do you want to stay over at mine tonight?"

Taeyang's eyes finally drifted away from the amethysts, meeting Jiho's. "...I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

The younger rolled his eyes. "Not like that. Just to hang out, I'll help you realign your chakras." He looked Taeyang up and down mockingly. "You seriously need it." 

Taeyang sighed. He didn't really want to go back to his apartment and deal with his flatmates. They'd be getting drunk and high and he had no money and... well he didn't really feel like seeing Hyunho tonight anyway. Maybe Jiho would be able to take his mind off of all that. 

"Go on, then."

Taeyang didn't know how he let Jiho talk him into these things. He had known the younger for eight months now, and he still didn't really believe in all this crystal stuff, but it kept Jiho happy, so he kept his mouth shut. If he was being perfectly honest he loved listening to the black-haired boy talk about precious stones and auras and meditating, not because he had that much interest in it, but because Jiho's entire face lit up whenever he introduced Taeyang to a new crystal. 

He was laid on his back on Jiho's bed, the younger had told him to relax, to take calming breaths in and out. He felt himself melt into Jiho's mattress as he inhaled the soft scent of Jasmine from the candles Jiho had lit earlier.

The younger boy explained what he was doing in hushed tones, so as not to freak Taeyang out. He described each of the chakras and how the stones he was using corresponded to them. 

Taeyang felt his mind slip. He felt as if he was falling asleep, but he was well aware of what was going on around him, that he was actually awake. He'd be lying if he said he didn't feel relaxed, refreshed even. 

After a few minutes Jiho removed the stones, one by one, allowing Taeyang to come around, handing the boy a glass of water as he sat up. 

"How do you feel? You look better."

"Wow thanks, Jiho." Taeyang scoffed, before a soft smile crept into his face. "No, I feel good actually. Thanks." 

Jiho's perfect toothy smile broke into his face as he climbed onto the bed next to Taeyang, lying down next to the elder. Taeyang mirrored him, lying down on his side so he could look directly at Jiho. 

"I feel bad that I never got you anything for Christmas. I can take you out tomorrow if you want. Where ever. My treat."

"Like a date?" Jiho teased, poking Taeyang in the ribs. 

"Jiho...we've talked about this."

"I know, I'm too young." The dark-haired boy rolled his eyes. "I'm nearly sixteen though, Tae. What about then? I know you want to be with me too. Why else would you spend so much time with someone as annoying as me?" 

Jiho had told himself he wasn't going to push this...but it was so difficult. It sounded ridiculous and he knew Taeyang would call him stupid if he even mentioned it, but he felt like they were soulmates or whatever. Something was telling him that they belonged together. 

"You _are_ pretty fucking annoying." Taeyang laughed as Jiho prodded his ribs again. "I just- I really don't want to hurt you, Jiho."

"You won't. I know you won't. This...it's not like what happened to you. You're not that much older than me. You're not taking advantage of me, Tae. I know you want this too."

Taeyang cast his eyes down to the ring on his finger. Why did Jiho have to be so fucking perfect? On some level, he knew it wasn't the same. He wasn't a teacher. He wasn't in his mid-forties. He was still a teenager himself.

But...he also came with a lot of baggage. Sure, he had told Jiho about his past, but what about his present? Jiho knew he went out and got drunk, what university student didn't? But he had no idea about the drugs. About his financial situation. About Hyunho. 

Could he really start going out with someone while he was whoring himself out to his dealer? 

He cleared his throat, trying to come up with a better excuse to warn Jiho off. 

"I don't think I'll be enough for you. I can't give you that Hollywood romance you're obsessed with. What if we're not compatible and we end up losing this?"

"That won't happen. I know it won't. I think we were meant to be together, Tae." He stroked his thumb over Taeyang's slender wrist, feeling the blondes pulse beat heavily under his touch. "I know you don't believe in all that soulmate bullshit, but I truly think you're mine." 

Taeyang sighed, his eyes trailing down to Jiho's fingers on his skin. "I'll think about it. Once you turn sixteen."

Jiho beamed. That was good enough for him. He knew Taeyang would change his mind, he could tell the elder was falling for him, he was just too scared to take the leap. 

"Can I have a second Christmas present for cleansing your chakras? I want it now."

Taeyang's eyebrows furrowed slightly.

"Can I have a kiss? I've almost forgot what your lips feel like."

Taeyang blushed slightly, remembering when Jiho had kissed him on the day they went to collect his results. He knew it was wrong then, and he still knew it was wrong now, but how could he say no? It was Christmas, after all. 

Taeyang nodded meekly, a gesture urging Jiho to take control again. The younger shifted closer, their noses bumping together as Jiho captured Taeyang's lips in his own, the blonde gasping slightly at the contact. Taeyang's hand found its way to Jiho's cheek, pulling the younger deeper into the kiss, as Jiho's arm loosely snaked around Taeyang's petite waist. 

Taeyang couldn't even lie to himself. This felt right. Maybe he and Jiho were soulmates or something crazy. There was something about the younger boy that made him feel whole. The thought of going home and spending Christmas without Jiho was enough to make him feel nauseous. He should ask Jiho if he had a crystal to help with that, since he couldn't exactly rely on cocaine in his childhood home. 

They pulled away from each other, faces dusted with pink. Jiho smiled at Taeyang, a playful smirk on his lips. 

"You're totally in love with me."

Taeyang rolled his eyes, hitting Jiho lightly on the chest before reaching over to turn his bedside light off. 

"Get the fuck over yourself and go to sleep. I have a lecture at eight tomorrow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now I've gotten past this part I may start uploading another part of solitaire on the side (it had slight spoilers in so I've been holding off)
> 
> The fic is called Rhodonite and it focuses on hojoon's relationship with Dongsung (remeber that? Mentioned all the way back in turquoise?) well it has its own story and ngl it's,,,well it's by me of course it's fucking heavy. 
> 
> I might begin posting it next week, what do you think?  
> Will that be too confusing for people having two stories from the same au but in different time frames (Rhodonite takes place just before turquoise)?  
> I'm just worried that this fandom is so dead if I don't churn out the stories then I never will (or I'll just be here amusing myself with no one reading lol)
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	5. Bambi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i luv kim taeyang so here we go  
> ALSO HERE IT IS THE ORIGIN OF JIHOS NICKNAME

Jiho's birthday came around fast, and all he wanted for his sixteenth was Taeyang. The elder still seemed unsure about them, and Jiho was worried it wasn't just due to his age. 

Taeyang had become more distant with him, saying he was out with his flat mates, even though Jiho knew he didn't get on with them. But, he would always end up calling the younger in the middle of the night, sometimes as late as 5am, off his face, drunkenly rambling about how much he missed Jiho. But then the next day he would ignore Jiho's texts again. 

The amount that Taeyang had been going out to clubs and house parties worried him, he knew it was more than normal for students to drink a lot, but not this much. He hated that he couldn't be there to look out for him. 

But this time, Taeyang had actually replied to Jiho's text about his birthday, asking the younger to come over to his flat. 

It had only been two weeks since he saw Taeyang last, but it felt like months. He had gotten used to seeing the blonde all the time, but things seemed to change when he came back to London after Christmas. 

"Happy birthday!" Taeyang smiled brightly at Jiho as he opened the door. God, he had missed that smile. 

Taeyang looked...different. His hair was shaved around the sides, the longer top part brushed back out of his face. It was rare Jiho got to see Taeyang's forehead, but he looked good, less innocent. Apart from the dark circles under his slightly bloodshot eyes, he looked tired, really tired. He looked like he had lost weight too, especially on his face. His skin didn't have that dewy glow Jiho had grown to love either. 

"I'm really sorry I've been ignoring you lately, but my head's been everywhere." He took Jiho by the hand as he led the younger to his room. "I've been thinking a lot about us."

Jiho's heart skipped a beat at the word _'us'._ Taeyang had been thinking about the possibility of them being together? 

"I like you Jiho, I really fucking like you. I want to be with you, but I don't know if that's such a good idea." 

Jiho's face fell. 

Taeyang shifted uncomfortably, "You treat me like some precious stone, like I'm perfect. I'm really not. I'm not who you think I am. I'm a fucking mess, I ruin everything I touch... I don't want to ruin you."

Jiho had no idea where this was coming from. How could he not have seen that Taeyang was falling apart? The elder had been distant with him, but Jiho should have fought to make sure he was okay. 

"Tae, what's going on?"

Taeyang let out a shaky sigh, turning so he didn't have to look Jiho in the eye. The dark-haired boy noticed a red mark on the elder's neck. That made his stomach churn.

"I want to be totally upfront with you before either of us make a decision, okay?" Taeyang forced himself to look Jiho dead in the eye. He couldn't lie to Jiho if there was any chance of anything happening between them. He would much rather Jiho knew who he was...what he did, and the younger change his mind than pretend he was this perfect little med student and have Jiho find out later. 

"I do drugs."

Jiho's eyebrows shot up under his fringe at the blunt admission. Although, he wasn't all that shocked. Jiho always had his suspicions that Taeyang did more than just drink from the phone calls he got from the blonde, but he never pushed the matter. Plus, that was pretty normal for uni students, right? He went through a phase of smoking weed when he was younger, it wasn't that big of a deal, right? 

Honestly, he was more shocked that Taeyang was so upfront about it. 

"Like what?"

"Cocaine." Taeyang cast his eyes down to his hands, almost ashamed to admit that to Jiho. He wasn't the type of person that bragged about it, or would coerce anyone else to doing it, even though he loved the rush it would give him. He would honestly probably kill Jiho if he ever touched the stuff. 

It hadn't even been a year since he started doing anything harder than weed, but the side effects were starting to hit him. Hard. The comedowns were hell, and it was taking a lot more for him to feel the effect he craved. Which meant he was spending more, or... There was no way he was going to tell Jiho that. He could own up to taking the stuff, but he couldn't tell him he was whoring himself out for it. 

Jiho nodded slowly. That wasn't what he expected at all. He thought weed, maybe a couple of pills, but that was...hard. The real hard stuff. 

But...it honestly didn't phase him. If that's what Taeyang was into then that was his choice. He knew fine well people at his school did it, it had never appealed to him but each to their own, right? 

"Did you think that would make me change my mind?"

Taeyang's eyes flitted back up to Jiho. The younger was staring at him with such intensity it threw him off a little. 

"Because you're gonna have to try a lot harder than that if you want to get rid of me."

Taeyang scoffed affectionately. He should have seen that coming, really. That's as a classic Jiho answer. He could try harder - he could tell Jiho the whole truth. That would be guaranteed to make him run a mile.

But, honestly, he didn't want that. No matter how much he tried to fight it, he wanted Jiho to stick around. To want him. 

"Seriously? You still want to be with me?"

Jiho shrugged, nonchalant. "Of course, I do. I don't care what you do, Taeyang. Well, I do to the extent that I want you to be safe and stuff...but, if that's what you're into then...yeah. It doesn't change how I feel about you."

Jiho smirked to himself as a light blush scattered across Taeyang's cheeks. He couldn't believe this was actually happening. That Taeyang was even considering the possibility of them being together. He couldn't hold back any longer, deciding to dive right in there like he had on the day they collected his results over eight months ago. He just hoped to god the answer would be different this time. 

"So, will you be my boyfriend, then?"

Taeyang chewed on his bottom lip, a habit he had picked up on recently. He made a mental note to stop. He didn't exactly want to kiss Jiho with chapped lips all of the time now did he? 

"Yes." The blonde breathed out, eyes locking back onto Jiho's. He wasn't really the relationship type. He had never really had a boyfriend before, except...well, that didn't count, did it? He just hoped he didn't fuck this up. "Can we take things slow, though? I know I've already made you wait ages, but...I don't want to rush this and ruin things."

Jiho nodded, a wide grin cracking onto his face. He didn't care how slow they went. He wasn't exactly well versed in the relationship department himself, so he had his own reservations. 

But he knew he wanted to be with Taeyang. He just knew they belonged together. 

"Can I..." He hesitated, intertwining his fingers with Taeyang's, worried what he was about to say was pushing it a little. "Can I kiss you?"

This time it was Taeyang's turn to nod, mirroring Jiho's smile. This felt so surreal to him. He had never had anyone that cared about him to even ask that. Most of the guys he had kissed lately had been just as drunk as he was, formalities didn't really seem necessary in those situations. 

He let his eyes flutter shut as Jiho leaned in, plush lips grazing against his slightly chapped ones. He hummed softly to himself as he let Jiho take the lead, again. He may be the elder of them, but that's how he preferred things, that no matter how delicate and tentative their first (proper - the others didn't really count) kiss was, he still wanted Jiho to be in control. 

Jiho smiled against Taeyang's lips as he tilted his head, giving himself more room to move, silently asking for more access. It sounded stupid, but he could practically feel electricity pulsing through his veins. It was probably just because his heart was beating so fast at the fact he was kissing Taeyang as his _boyfriend_ , not just his tutor, not just his friend. But his _boyfriend_. It had taken them so long to get to this point, but it was finally happening. 

Taeyang was finally his. 

"I feel awful that I haven't gotten you a real birthday present." Taeyang pouted as they parted, hoping that his cheeks weren't as red as they felt. "How about I take you on a proper date tomorrow?"

"Really? That sounds perfect." Jiho's eyes lit up, giggling softly as he pressed another change kiss to Taeyang's lips. "Although, you're the best present I could ask for, anyway."

Taeyang recoiled in mock horror, jaw dropping as he choked out a laugh. Trust Jiho to come out with one of the worst, but most adorably sweet lines he'd ever heard. He was going to be spending a lot of this relationship either blushing furiously or rolling his eyes, wasn't he? 

"You're so fucking cheesy."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Jiho couldn't be happier. He was doing a lot better at school, he was getting to do way more photoshoots and he was in love. Yep. In love. With Taeyang. Well and truly. 

He hadn't told Taeyang this yet, obviously. He didn't want to sound crazy, they had only been together a couple of months, but he was definitely in love. Taeyang was the first thing he thought of when he woke up - checking his phone from any missed messages while he was asleep - and the last thing he thought of when he went to bed - curled up with the cuddly koala toy Taeyang had won him when they went to the arcade a couple of weeks back. 

He couldn't get through the day without hearing Taeyang's voice, calling him as soon as he'd finish school just to whine about how boring it was, only for Taeyang to scoff and offer to swap places with him, knowing fine well the younger would find his lectures way worse. 

His fingers would itch on the days they couldn't meet up, either when Taeyang was busy with essays or Jiho had a late photoshoot. When he couldn't lace his fingers with his boyfriend's as they walked - usually not heading anywhere in particular, just aimlessly walking, enjoying each other's company. 

And he knew they were taking it slow, he was glad they were, honestly. He was still figuring out how all of this relationship stuff worked, and he knew Taeyang was still coping with things from his past, but he longed to fall asleep next to the blonde. He longed to have arms wrapped around him, legs tangled, someone to snuggle into, to keep him warm, the steady sound of someone else's breathing lulling him to sleep. 

That's what he wanted the most. To scatter kisses across Taeyang's cheeks, to talk about absolutely nothing as he carded fingers through platinum hair until one of them eventually dozed off. For someone to be there when he woke up. 

It wasn't even so much the sex thing that bothered him. Sure, it would be nice and no doubt Taeyang would be great in bed - not that he had anything to compare it to - but he was more than willing to wait as long as Taeyang wanted. He would never pressure his boyfriend into anything before he was ready, and part of him questioned whether he was ready himself. So, that aspect of going slow didn't bother him. He just really wanted someone to cuddle into at night. 

"I must sound fucking fifty." Jiho mumbled to himself as he wrapped his scarf tighter around his neck. It was pretty cold considering it was March. He had never been a summer person, but he loved spring. All those flowers and butterflies and cute baby animals and Easter bunnies. So much more romantic than bugs and sweat and sunburn. 

He was on his way to Taeyang's flat with the intent of studying. He had more exams coming up soon, and these ones actually mattered. But he found it even harder to focus now that he and Taeyang were an item. He found his boyfriend's lips much more interesting than geometric probability. 

Taeyang technically didn't tutor him anymore, figuring it would be weird that Jiho's mother was still paying them even though they were a couple. So, instead he had begun to tutor a few other kids, this time dropping maths for piano. That was more fun anyway. 

Jiho let himself in after receiving a text from Taeyang saying the front door was open, smiling softly to himself as he heard music coming from upstairs. 

He loved hearing Taeyang play piano. He never paid attention in music, so he didn't know who any of the composers were or what the pieces were called, or any of that. But he liked the way it sounded, and he couldn't get over how talented his boyfriend was. It made him wonder why he hadn't pursued a career in music considering it was something Taeyang was so passionate about. 

He leaned up against the door of Taeyang's room, letting the blonde finish before entering - he didn't want to distract him, to throw him off. Plus, it was kind of cute the way Taeyang played when he thought no one was watching. All of the nervousness seemed to seep out of him. It was like he was one with the music or some bullshit. 

But of course, Taeyang knew he was there, a subtle smirk sneaking onto his lips as Jiho tried to be sneaky. Cute. 

"I can see you, you know." 

"I just like hearing you play." Jiho pouted as he finally entered Taeyang's room, arms looping around the elder's shoulders as he pressed a kiss to fluffy blonde hair. "You should teach me some time."

Taeyang scoffed, leaning back into Jiho's hold. "I had enough trouble trying to teach you how fractions work, I'm not even going to attempt to teach you Chopin."

"Do you wanna know a secret?" Jiho whispered into Taeyang's ear, rocking the elder back and forth gently. "I've always understood fractions, I just wanted you to stay over longer."

Taeyang's ears burned as Jiho's breath brushed up against them. He had always known that to some extent, but he had never called Jiho out on it. Even though he had a tonne of work to do himself, even though he was shattered, running on empty. He could never turn down a couple of extra hour at Jiho's no matter how many times he told himself he didn't have feelings for the younger back then. 

"You're an asshole." Taeyang threw Jiho's arms off of him, striding over to the door to slam it shut, giving them a little more privacy before turning back to his boyfriend, their lips only centimetres apart. 

"But, I love you."

Jiho's eyes shot open as Taeyang kissed him. Hard. He let himself melt into it as the elder reached up on his toes slightly, arms wrapping around Jiho's neck to pull him in closer, to deepen the kiss. His own arms snaked around Taeyang's waist, letting him take control for once. 

Was...Did that actually just happen? Was he hearing things or did Taeyang just say he loved him? 

Jiho's breath was heavy as they pulled apart, jaw slack. But Taeyang was looking up at him as if it was any other kiss, as if he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary. 

"You...you love me?"

Taeyang tilted his head. What? What was Jiho talking abo- _Oh my god I said that out loud._

"I, uh- Well- Like-" Taeyang stuttered, not really sure what to say. _Fuck_. Why did he have to say that aloud? He was such a fucking idiot. It was way too soon. He was the one that suggested they take things slow and now he'd blurted that out and by the look on Jiho's face-

"I love you too."

_What?_

"What?"

"I love you too." Jiho repeated, giggling softly. 

This time it was Taeyang's turn to freeze. This was...big. No, huge. They were already saying I love you to one another. They were already _in love_. That was insane to him. He didn't really do relationships, there was just something about being so emotionally vulnerable with someone else that made him uncomfortable. But Jiho was different. He felt like he could be totally candid with Jiho and the dark-haired boy wouldn't judge him, wouldn't make him feel stupid for pouring out his feelings. And that was the thing that had always scared him the most. 

Taeyang wasn't really sure what to say next, so instead, he opted to kiss Jiho again. This time with even more force, causing the younger to fall back on Taeyang's bed, the blonde on top of him. 

Taeyang resented himself a little for holding this off for so long. On one hand, he knew it was the right thing to do. But he could have been this happy ages ago if he had just given in to Jiho. He had denied himself something beautiful for too long and he was determined to make up for it now. 

Somewhere along the lines, the tables had turned and Taeyang ended up underneath Jiho. Right where he wanted to be. He smiled at the blush on his boyfriend's cheeks as he pulled away, looking down at Taeyang through hooded lids. 

"Do you..." Taeyang reached up to thread his fingers through Jiho's hair as it hung down over his face. It was getting so long, but Taeyang kind of preferred it like that. "Do you want to make love to me?"

He had never called it that before. Not once. Sex, sleeping together, fucking. But never _making love,_ because up until now it had always been sort of meaningless. Purely about getting off...or getting something else in other cases. But he pushed that to the back of his mind. This was about him and Jiho. The boy he was in love with, and who loved him back. It was about them connecting in the most intimate way possible. It wasn't just some quick fuck in the back of a car. 

"I- Uh-" Jiho hesitated, sitting up slightly, so he had less contact with Taeyang. That...was a blunt offer. He didn't really know what to say, having never been in this situation before. 

The idea of sex scared him a little. Sure, he'd had sex ed at school, but sleeping with other guys wasn't exactly on the curriculum. He had tried watching porn to give him an idea of what to do so he didn't look like a total idiot when the time came, but...it just confused him. 

Plus, he didn't even really know how things...worked. Like how did they decide who was going to be on top? Was it an awkward conversation they'd have before or did it just kind of happen? Well, Taeyang was older, right? So, Jiho figured that meant he would be on top. That seemed logical. 

But that meant he had to bottom and that terrified him. From the movies he had watched that looked more painful than pleasurable. Though...the idea of being on top terrified him too. What if he was really shit in bed and Taeyang dumped him straight after? What if he couldn't do it right and he was all rigid and hurt his boyfriend? Then what? 

He took a deep breath as all those thoughts swam around his head, fingers finding their way to the amethysts bracelet on his wrist, hoping it would calm him down. 

Taeyang picked up on the action immediately. That meant Jiho was anxious. He sighed softly, sitting up so he could look his boyfriend directly in the eye. 

"Jiho, if you don't want to, that's okay."

Jiho snapped out of his trance, turning to Taeyang, wishing he could just melt into a puddle on the floor because he knew how red his face was right now and how stupid he probably looked. 

"I do, I just- I- I've never done this before and..."

"Baby-" Jiho's heart leapt into his throat as Taeyang used that pet name. He had never called him that before but Jiho absolutely loved it. He wanted to hear it more. "It's fine. Really. I can wait until you're ready. I don't want you to rush into anything."

Jiho nodded feebly as Taeyang's fingers linked with his. No matter how sweet and lovely Taeyang was being about this, he still felt stupid. But, at least he wasn't with someone that was going to force him into anything before he was ready. They had already waited ages for this, what was just a little longer? 

"But just so you know," Taeyang's voice was breathy as he inched a little closer, lips grazing against Jiho's cheekbone, making the dark-haired boy flush even harder. "I'm ready whenever you are."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Jiho was nervous. But then again, when wasn't he nervous? He honestly had no idea how he was going to make it in the modelling industry if he didn't get over his anxiety. He'd be a laughing stock. And that in itself made him even more anxious. 

But that wasn't the specific reason why he was nervous today. No. He was going to his first ever house party with Taeyang and he was terrified that he was a) going to make a fool of himself or b) they'd all be able to sense that he was only sixteen and no one would want to speak to him or something as equally ridiculous. Anxiety wasn't the most logical of mental illnesses. 

He took a deep breath as a taxi pulled up outside of his house. This was it. He was finally going to be a normal teenager. 

It's not like he was against drinking, in fact, he found the idea quite exciting. It's just, he didn't exactly have any friends to invite him to parties, and it's not like he was going to get drunk alone in his room, so it wasn't something he'd ever really...done. 

"Hi, baby!" He leaned across to kiss Taeyang's cheek as he settled down in the back seat, next to his boyfriend, thumb running over the amethysts set into his bracelet. He could do this. 

"You don't have to do this if you don't want, Jii. We could just stay in." Taeyang could instantly tell how nervous Jiho was. They were sort of in sync now. 

"No, it's fine, let's go." Jiho knew that this was a fairly big part of Taeyang's life. That he loved going to parties and had more friends than Jiho could ever imagine. He wanted to be a part of that. 

Plus, it would be nice to be able to brag about something at school for once. Going to a university house party, with his university student other half, not even the _cool kids_ could say they'd been to any of those. 

"Just let me know if you want to leave, okay?" Taeyang passed his boyfriend a beer, reaching up on his toes to press a subtle kiss to the corner of Jiho's lips. Hopefully the combination of those two things would calm him down a little. This wasn't going to be fun for either of them if Jiho was so on edge, and as much as he wanted to be here - he had certain cravings he needed to give into - the last thing he wanted was to force Jiho into a situation he wasn't comfortable in. 

It was weird...caring about someone this much. Taeyang had never really experienced anything like this before but he actually loved the way his stomach churned whenever he saw Jiho. He loved going along to Jiho's photoshoots when his mother couldn't, just to watch from afar and make sure no one was taking the piss out of his boyfriend's unbelievably kind nature. 

Usually, if he went along to a party with one of his friends he couldn't care less what they got up to, or if they even left. As long as he had a drink in his hand and his nose was kind of numb he was happy. But he needed to look after Jiho. He would never forgive himself if anything happened to the younger. 

But, Jiho seemed to be doing just fine. It turned out, that with a little alcohol in his system he could be quite the social butterfly, and Taeyang had picked up on the fact he had barely touched his bracelet in the past hour. He seemed to be enjoying himself, deciding beer wasn't for him and moving onto spirits as he laughed with some of Taeyang's friends. 

Taeyang's fingers were itching to crack open another can, but he didn't want to get too off his face tonight. It was really hard though...being surrounded by drunk people, and when drinks were flowing so freely. He wasn't used to holding back and he didn't like it. 

Maybe something else would help him feel better. 

"Jiho, I'm just going to the toilet, I'll not be long."

"Okay, baby!" Taeyang's eyes shot open as Jiho pulled him in close, pressing a big, rather sloppy kiss to Taeyang's lips. He felt himself tense up, because he knew people were staring and 'awww-ing' and he was nowhere near drunk enough to cope with that. Being the centre of attention wasn't really his thing. 

He gave Jiho a weak smile as they pulled apart, not wanting to embarrass his boyfriend by kicking off, but he could feel how red his face was and he just needed to get out of here. 

Fortunately, he had just the thing to calm him down. 

He was only going to have one line tonight, not wanting to go too crazy with Jiho here. It's not like he'd never been high around Jiho before, but he was sure the younger had never really picked up on it, besides an offhanded comment about how Taeyang was a little more talkative than usual. But now he was here he felt like he needed more. Especially if he was going to have to deal with his overly-affectionate drunk of a boyfriend. He wouldn't feel so self-conscious if he was high. 

He straightened up, wiping his nose with the back of his hand. He felt happier already. The drugs hadn't even sunk in yet, but he knew they would and that in itself made him feel better. 

Now he could go find Jiho and really enjoy himself without worrying about drinking too much. He didn't really need to drink now. Well...he would, but...he didn't _need_ to. 

"Taeyanggie!"

Taeyang flinched as he pushed the door open to find Jiho leaning up against the wall, waiting for him. A pout on his lips. 

"I missed you."

"I was gone like ten minutes." Taeyang rolled his eyes affectionately as Jiho's arms snaked around his waist, pressing him up against the wall. 

"Still missed you." Jiho whispered against Taeyang's lips, pushing forward to kiss the blonde. It definitely felt like longer than ten minutes. Any time away from Taeyang felt longer than it should. 

Taeyang hummed as he gave Jiho an entrance, too absorbed in his boyfriend to even think about whether anyone was looking. He thanked the cocaine for that, even if it was only a placebo effect for now. 

Jiho's nose twisted as he pulled back. "You taste...weird." It was a kind of...bitter taste Jiho had picked up on from kissing Taeyang in the past, but it was way stronger this time. "Like baking powder."

Taeyang shifted a little uncomfortably, he could taste it himself, so he was no surprise Jiho could. And he knew fine well this stuff wasn't as good as what Hyunho would usually supply him with, it wouldn't surprise him if it was actually cut with baking powder, but he had been trying to avoid the elder ever since he and Jiho had gotten together. He couldn't afford Hyunho's prices, and the kids he tutored now didn't pay as well as Jiho's mother had, so he had no choice to go for the cheaper, shittier stuff. 

"Well, you taste like vodka." Taeyang smirked back, trying to take the heat off of himself. "Thought you were gonna take it easy."

"I am!" Jiho protested, pout returning to his lips. He was so fucking cute sometimes. "Just...beer is kinda gross and vodka tastes _really_ nice with orange juice and lemonade."

Taeyang giggled as Jiho kissed him again. It was nice seeing the dark-haired boy loosen up for once, he wished Jiho wasn't so anxious all of the time. He didn't need to be; he was gorgeous, talented, and Taeyang had no doubt he was going to make it in the modelling industry. Who wouldn't want a face like that headlining their campaign? 

Taeyang let himself get lost in Jiho, reaching up on his toes slightly so he wrapped his arms around the back of Jiho's neck, pulling him in even closer. He moaned into the younger's mouth as Jiho's arms tightened around him, their bodies flush against one another as Jiho pushed him further against the wall, a knee slotting between his thighs which Taeyang couldn't help but grind against. Fuck. 

"Jih-" Taeyang's gasp of his boyfriend's name turned into a yelp as the wall gave way behind him. He stumbled backwards, but Jiho's arms around his waist kept him upright. 

"What the-"

Jiho laughed softly, catching Taeyang's lips in another kiss as he pushed Taeyang into the room behind him. He hadn't even realised he had been leaning up against a door. Thank god Jiho had tight ahold of him, or he would have landed flat on his ass. 

"Just as well this is a bedroom." Jiho smirked as he kicked the door shut behind him, urging Taeyang backwards until the elder fell back on the bed. It was dark, a soft light from the street lamp outside casting a glow over Jiho as the younger loomed over him. This was...he could feel something in the air, a sexual tension that had been building between the two of them for a while now. It felt like everything was finally coming together. 

"Jiho." That wasn't meant to come out anywhere near as whiny as it did but Taeyang couldn't help it. Jiho looked so...big, looming over him like that. Like his adorable, kind of shy, sugary sweet boyfriend could have a darker side to him. It made his heart race. "Do you...?"

"Want to make love to you?" Jiho repeated Taeyang's words from a few weeks ago as he settled himself down in Taeyang's lap on the edge of the bed, thighs each side of his boyfriend's hips. "Yeah. I'm ready."

"You sure?" Taeyang had to double check, the last thing he wanted was Jiho rushing into anything, no matter how turned on he was right now. The cocaine was starting to take effect now, making his body ache to be touched. But he had to make sure. 

"Yeah." Jiho breathed against Taeyang's lips, pushing him into the mattress, new found confidence in the form of vodka making him want to take control. He always took control when they kissed, anyway. He and Taeyang had never really spoke about it - how this would work out when the time come - but he was pretty sure this was how Taeyang wanted it. "I love you."

"I love you, too." Taeyang moaned as Jiho's lips found their way to his neck. That was one of his most sensitive spots and combined with the cocaine it was driving him crazy. His back arched off the bed as Jiho's fingers crept under his t-shirt, fingers fisting in onyx hair as his soft gasps spurred Jiho on. 

This definitely wasn't how he envisaged their first time. Drunk, high, in some random persons bed at a house party. 

This definitely wasn't how he envisaged Jiho's first time. 

"Jiho, wait." Taeyang craned his neck, causing Jiho's breath to hitch as he pulled away. 

"D-did I do something wrong?"

"No!" Taeyang sat up on his elbows as Jiho seemed to shrink in on himself. "God, no, you were great it's just... Well, you're drunk, I'm drunk, this isn't really how I thought our first time would be." 

Jiho hummed, looking around the room. Taeyang was right. Where even were they? Whose room was this? He didn't even know whose house this was to be fair. And he'd quite like to remember losing his virginity, especially if it was going to be with Taeyang. 

"Yeah...me either." He definitely imagined it to be way more romantic than this. But drinking seemed to give him this new-found confidence. What if he couldn't bring himself to do this sober? 

"Listen," Taeyang sat up, arms wrapping around Jiho, fingers intertwining at the youngers lower back, so he didn't fall as Taeyang repositioned himself, "how about we just enjoy ourselves tonight, then you can stay over at mine, we spoon and tomorrow I blow your mind?"

Jiho's heart skipped a beat at the way Taeyang's voice lowered on those last few syllables. That sounded...perfect. As much as he wanted this, waiting would make his first time so much better. He was all about the romance, after all. Losing his virginity at a house party wasn't exactly worthy of a fairy-tale. 

"Okay." Jiho giggled softly, leaning back in to kiss Taeyang. He couldn't seem to get enough. "Deal."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Taeyang whined softly as sunlight streamed through his bedroom window, wishing it would stop. He wasn't quite ready to wake up yet. His head wouldn't hurt as much if he was still asleep. 

He rolled over, because that was easier than getting up and closing his blinds, coming into contact with something soft. What the fuck?

He cracked an eye open, smiling at the mop of black hair sprawled out across the pillow next to him. Cute. How out of it had he been last night to forget Jiho was even here? 

He reached across, brushing a few stray hairs from Jiho's eyes. They hadn't shared a bed since that night Jiho had aligned his chakras, since Jiho had kissed him, before they were even together. But this felt nice. Really nice. Having someone next to him as he woke up, even if Jiho was flat out, breath steady as he nuzzled further into the pillows. Having someone to ride out his hangover with...to ride out his come down with. 

Taeyang shifted a little closer, repositioning Jiho's arm so it was around his waist. That was better. He didn't feel _that_ bad this morning, considering he had been so careful last night, limiting himself while Jiho was around. But regardless, having Jiho cuddling into him always seemed to make him feel better. 

But the movement caused the younger to stir, eyes flickering open.

"Hey." Jiho smiled, stretching his back out a little. This was exactly what he wanted, waking up next to Taeyang. 

"Hey. How's your head?"

"Fine, actually. I don't think I get hangovers." Jiho laughed as Taeyang massaged his temples.

"Wait til you're my age." Taeyang groaned, snuggling into Jiho. He needed the comfort right now. He didn't usually still feel the effects of coming down the next morning, not after sleeping. What the fuck was that coke cut with? 

"You sound about forty." Jiho wrapped his arms around Taeyang, pulling the blonde in close. Taeyang reciprocated the hug, too tired to respond. This was nice, though. Jiho cuddles seemed like a good alternative to just drinking more the next day to ride out his hangover. 

He could honestly fall back asleep, he should really ask Jiho to stay over more often. He made a pretty good pillow. 

"So, when are you gonna blow my mind?"

Taeyang's breath caught in the back of his throat, causing him to cough rather unattractively into Jiho's shirt. Jesus Christ. The younger wasn't usually so forward. Last night must have given him a little confidence boost. 

"Maybe when I feel less ill. I don't really fancy throwing up on you while I'm riding your dick."

Jiho was glad Taeyang's head was tucked under his chin so he could see him go bright red. He had never heard Taeyang talk like that; so brazen. Every time they'd talked about sex in the past, it had been soft, tentative, referred to as making love. Not...that. 

He'd be lying if he said he didn't like the way the word dick sounded in Taeyang's voice though. 

"So, we- That's how we're doing it? I'm gonna put it - uh - in you?" The confident Jiho from last nice was well and truly gone. That comment from before was the last thing he had said before exiting the building. Now Taeyang was stuck with the stuttering, nervous ball of anxiety Jiho. Great. 

"I mean," Taeyang shifted so he could look up at Jiho, smiling softly at the rose blush that still tinted his cheeks, "I just assumed. You always take control when we kiss and last night you seemed kinda...dominant."

Taeyang was a little hesitant to use that word, it was pretty strong, especially considering Jiho was only sixteen and had never slept with anybody, but he couldn't really think of any other. That was just the vibe he has gotten last night. 

"Dominant?" Jiho tested the word out on his tongue. That was something he had never been called before. He was pretty sure his father would laugh if someone even put the words Jiho and dominant in the same sentence. "That might have been the vodka."

Taeyang chuckled as he snuggled back into Jiho. "I mean, if you wanna do it the other way, that's fine. But I'm not very ex-"

"No. I- I dunno, that kinda scares me can we just... Can you?" Jesus Christ. Jiho honestly couldn't feel any stupider saying that aloud. 

"Of course." Taeyang smiled to himself, fingers playing with the hem of Jiho's shirt. "That's how I like it anyway."

Jiho hummed. He couldn't talk from experience, but he couldn't imagine being on the receiving end of things being all that pleasurable. He figured it must be, though. Otherwise, why would people do it? 

"I never really had you down as a... bottom." Was that even the right word? He honestly had no idea. 

"Well, there's a lot you don't know about me." Jiho's breath hitched as Taeyang trailed kisses along his jawline, teeth teasing at his ear lobe before he pulled away. "But I'll not throw you in at the deep end, don't worry."

Okay. Jiho was definitely a more than embarrassing shade of beetroot now. When he had first met Taeyang, the blonde had seemed so sweet, angelic, even. Well, save for his tendency to say fuck every other sentence. He had never really expected to see this side of him, but Taeyang was clearly into a lot less...innocent stuff than he was letting on. 

"And not yet, anyway." Taeyang rolled over, settling back down for a nap. His head was still killing. "Spoon me, I'm sleepy."

Jiho sighed to himself, pushing the thoughts out of his head. There was no point in thinking about it if Taeyang wasn't ready yet. He'd only get frustrated. So, he opted to engulf Taeyang in the biggest hug possible instead. 

Taeyang squirmed as Jiho wrapped his limbs around his lithe body, whining his boyfriends name. As much as Jiho cuddles were making his hangover more bearable, he didn't exactly want to be swamped. Why were Jiho's legs so fucking long? Maybe they were just average and Taeyang's were unnaturally short. 

"Oh my god, you're like fucking Bambi."

Jiho quirked an eyebrow. "Bambi?"

"Yeah, you know, the baby deer. You're all leg and have hardly any control over your limbs because they're so fucking long."

The dark-haired boy's eyebrows furrowed further. 

"You've never seen Bambi?" Jiho shook his head. "Oh my God, you're so sheltered." Taeyang wriggled out of Jiho’s clutches, opening his laptop to search for the movie. "We need to watch it."

Jiho massively regretted letting Taeyang put the movie on. At first, he thought it was cute, an animated film about deer and bunnies, surprised Taeyang would even be into something so adorable. And then the story took a dark turn. He had been sobbing into Taeyang's hoodie for almost half an hour, forcing the elder to turn it off.

"Why would you make me watch that?!" He wailed into Taeyang's chest. "Is that seriously a kid's film?! Why would anyone show that to kids?"

"It has a happy ending, Jiho. If you weren’t such a baby, we could watch it."

Jiho sniffled, sitting up straight so he could get a drink. Crying always made his head hurt. 

"I don't trust you."

"It does! He gets a little deer girlfriend and he becomes king of the forest or something."

Jiho sat back against the headboard, bottom lip jutted out. He'd just have to take Taeyang's word for it because there was no way that movie was going back on. 

Taeyang smirked, pressing his finger to Jiho's bottom lip as he settled himself down in the youngers lap, straddling his thighs. 

"You're such a pouty baby."

"I'm not!" Jiho whined, fighting the urge to pout even harder. "I just don't like soul destroying movies. No wonder I never saw that as a kid. It should be banned."

Taeyang scoffed, kissing Jiho in the hope it would make him a little happier, or at least shut him up. 

"Make me feel better."

Taeyang's lips quirked up, pressing his hips down against Jiho's slightly. 

"And how do you expect me to do that?"

The tips of Jiho's ears flushed bright red. He hadn't even been hinting at that but...that probably would make him feel better. And this was...nice. Being here in Taeyang's room after they'd been cuddling all day and were both completely sober was a much better option than what they had last night. 

He wasn't really sure what to say next, so he lunged forward to kiss Taeyang instead. That seemed like the right thing to do if the low moan that rumbled in his boyfriend's throat and the way his fingers tangled in dark hair was anything to go by. 

He pulled back, swallowing thickly as his eyes locked on Taeyang. There was something he couldn't quite read in them. Want or need or something? He wasn't sure, but he liked it, lips quirking up into a smirk. 

"Make love to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way!!! the age of consent is 16 in the UK which is where I'm from and where this fic is set so this it totally legal lol.
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


	6. Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know ur probably thinking '5 chapters and not an ounce of smut?? he must be losing his touch!!' well have i got news for you. THERES FINALLY SOME SMUT UP IN THIS BITCH!! (don't thank me yet)
> 
> I also want to put a teeny tiny trigger warning bc of the smut bc although i am british and this fic is set in britain where the legal age of consent is 16 - i know that the majority of people go by US laws which generally counts anyone under the age of 18 as a minor. Jiho is still 16 (17 in about two months) in this chapter, while Taeyang is 19. Thats kind of like...a grey area here, it's not illegal or really frowned upon as such just kinda :I  
> But I imagine by US laws this probably isn't seen as,,,acceptable?  
> idk  
> i just wanted to point that out in case anyone didn't feel totally comfortable w this and if that is the case then please be aware that the smut is at the very end of this chapter!!  
> otherwise, pls enjoy as always ♡

Taeyang was on cloud nine. He had never expected being in love to be so...heart-warming. He had never experienced anything like it before. 

He had once thought he was in love, when he was younger, but it turned out he wasn't even close. That wasn't love, he had been manipulated, taken advantage of, been made to believe he was in love so he would keep his mouth shut. 

But he didn't have to think about that anymore, because this time he had someone who loved him back. Someone whose face lit up every time they saw one another, someone who had an adorable pet name for him - angel, how fucking cute was that? - someone whose arms felt empty without him in them, someone he could kiss and cuddle and actually cared about him more than anything. 

He couldn't be happier, in his relationship, anyway. He still wasn't exactly enjoying university, he couldn't actually remember the last time he went. He knew he should. He _really_ should. It was his only option to stay in London, with Jiho. He couldn't risk failing and having to go home. He couldn't think of anything worse. But he just hated it so, _so_ much. He had absolutely no interest in his chosen degree. He wished more than anything he hadn't went along with what his parents wanted, that he had chosen to study something he actually had an interest in.  

But it was too late now. He couldn't afford to drop out, and as much as he didn't really get on with his parents, part of him still didn't want to let them down. 

So, he was scraping by doing the bare minimum. Enough to keep him in London, but so little that his time wasn't monopolised with his studies. He still partied almost every night and spent the majority of his days recovering from hangovers or with Jiho, when the younger wasn't busy with school. 

He smiled to himself at a text Jiho had sent him, whining about some photoshoot he was at. Apparently, the stylist he was working with wanted to cut his hair and Jiho wasn't best pleased about it. Taeyang was sure he would look good regardless. 

He was stood outside of his apartment, cigarette in hand as he waited for a taxi to come pick him up to yet another party. This had become a nightly occurrence for him. The amount he was spending on taxis, drink and drugs was getting out of control, but he just didn't want to stop. Apart from Jiho they were the only things that made him feel good about himself. The only things he enjoyed. 

And he was determined to do that tonight, he just hoped to God someone was selling, because his usual dealer hadn't gotten back to him and he was starting to feel on edge. 

He grabbed a beer as he set off to mingle, hoping that at least if he couldn't find anyone to sell to him he could maybe find someone that would lend him a key. He didn't need that much to get through the night. Just a line would do...he was pretty sure, anyway. 

But it had been hours and he was yet to find anyone. What kind of party was this, anyway? Everyone just seemed to be drinking. What the fuck? 

He didn't like this at all.

Everything felt...weird. It was like he wasn't even there. The alcohol didn't seem to be having much of an effect on him and without the cocaine coursing through his system he didn't feel as confident or sociable as usual. He just felt very...out of place. Paranoid, almost. 

This was turning out to be a pretty shitty night. He was tempted to just go home and invite Jiho over, so he would at least have something to make him happy. But he was usually pretty irritable when he didn't get a fix, and the last thing he wanted was to take that out on his boyfriend. 

He was about to give up, downing the last of the bottle in his hand when someone caught his eye. Was that-

"Hyunho?"

Taeyang's heart leaped as the dark-haired boy's eyes met his own. It felt like ages since he last saw him, since he last bought from him. After he started going out with Jiho he had been seeing other people for drugs, they weren't as good, but he could afford them without having to spread his legs. 

"Well, look who it is. Long-time no see, Taeyang." Hyunho smiled politely, passing the blonde another bottle. 

"Thanks." Taeyang whispered. This was...awkward. He used to be so loyal to Hyunho but now... Could he really just ask him for stuff now? 

"You look like you could do with a little medicine." Hyunho flashed him that award-winning smile as if he read Taeyang's mind. 

"Am I really that transparent?"

"Come with me, cutie." Hyunho laced his fingers with Taeyang's, pulling him upstairs. "I'll sort you out."

Taeyang settled himself down on the bed of the room Hyunho had guided him up to as the elder fished through a backpack he'd been wearing. It was weird that he actually still felt comfortable around Hyunho, despite everything that had happened between them. 

"So, who you been going to instead of me? I'm a little offended Taeyang."

Okay, maybe he didn't feel so comfortable. Hyunho's tone seemed to change, his entire temperament switched now that they were alone. He seemed...angry, almost. 

"I, uh- I just haven't seen you. I've been in different parts of London and I-"

"Was my dick not good enough for you?" Hyunho scoffed, hiding how truly pissed off his was under a smirk. Did Taeyang really think he could just come crawling back for a gram or two after everything Hyunho had sacrificed for him? He'd been paying Taeyang's tab for months and the blonde just decided to disappear? Go elsewhere? Who did he think he was?

Taeyang felt his face heat up, heart thumping against his ribcage as Hyunho brought _that_ up.

"I...I have a boyfriend now I couldn't-"

"Oh, so that was the reason then. I'm not even that surprised really." Hyunho mused, waving a small plastic pouch, filled with white powder in Taeyang's face. "That you'd chase the dick. Lower yourself to bad quality coke just for a good fuck."

Taeyang swallowed thickly, trying to ignore what Hyunho was saying, how he was talking about Jiho, not answering back because he really wanted that pouch and he was actually a little terrified. He had never heard Hyunho speak like that before. 

"But, now you don't have to, because here I am coming to rescue you again." Hyunho sat down on the bed next to Taeyang, making the younger flinch. But Hyunho didn't touch him, simply cut a couple of lines on the bedside table next to him. "See, try it. It's better than ever, I promise."

Taeyang shifted uncomfortably. Why was Hyunho offering him free drugs? That hadn't happened in a long time. Was that his way of getting Taeyang back on his side again? Because that would probably work, to be fair. 

He nodded, feebly, taking the note Hyunho had just used to do his own line. He didn't even pause to wonder what it was Hyunho was giving him. Whether it was really cocaine. It could have anything in it, but he didn't even ask, despite what Hyunho had coerced him into doing in the past. He was _that_ desperate. 

He shuddered as the powder shot up his right nostril, straight into his system, remnants of the drug dripping down the back of his throat. No baking powder. That was nice. 

"It's good, right?"

The cocaine had numbed Taeyang's nose almost instantly. It must be good. He could swear it was already starting to take effect. It was probably just a placebo thing because he was so desperate, but god, he wasn't going to complain either way. 

"Yeah." He breathed out in agreement, not really sure what else to say. Why was Hyunho being so nice to him? "So, can I buy some?"

"Oh, there's no way you can afford this." Hyunho chuckled, leaning in for another line of his own, wiping the remanence off the bedside table after snorting.

"How much?"

"Eighty."

" _Eighty?_ " Eighty pounds? For a _gram_ of cocaine? That was double what he would pay when he first met Hyunho. Was he taking the piss?

"Babe," Hyunho placed a large hand on Taeyang's knee, levelling with him, "this is the purest shit you'll find in London. God knows what that other stuff you've been taking is cut with. This will give you a high like nothing else. It already is, isn't it?"

Taeyang could feel the euphoria starting to set in. That was quick. He wasn't exactly complaining, though. He just hoped it would last as long as Hyunho said it would. 

He was actually pretty shocked that Hyunho took him back downstairs, that the dealer didn't try to convince him to buy anymore - no matter the method of payment. He was even more shocked at how quickly his mood changed. That must be some good shit. 

He finally felt comfortable enough to actually make to people, to enjoy himself. He didn't feel like he was going to snap at any second or rip his hair out from sheer frustration. 

He felt good. Really good. 

But it didn't last. Not long enough, anyway. 

It was nigh on one am when he began to crash, when the come down smacked him in the face. Hyunho hadn't lied, the coke had lasted way longer than the stuff he had been taking recently, but it only made him more desperate to chase the high. He had been enjoying himself way too much to call it quits and go home. He wanted that feeling back. 

"Hey, cutie." Hyunho beamed, appearing out of nowhere just when Taeyang needed him the most. Just like he always did. It's like he could sense when Taeyang's was starting to come down, staring to sober up. "Having a good night?"

"Yeah..." Taeyang replied half-heartedly, because he was, he just- "Just starting to come down."

Hyunho's eyes practically lit up at the way Taeyang seemed to curl in on himself, shrinking back into his hoodie. If there was ever a time the blonde was most vulnerable, it was between hits, and Hyunho wasn't afraid to take advantage of that. 

"I have more, you know."

Taeyang's eyes widened as Hyunho raised his eyebrows. That sounded _so good_. He wasn't sure he could deal with the full force of a come down right now. He was surrounded by people he didn't really know and there's no way he could go over to Jiho's demanding cuddles to help him ride it out at this hour. 

"Could I-"

Hyunho sighed. 

"I can't really give you anymore freebies, Tae." He shrugged. "My contact will kill me if I don't make him enough money."

"I can't-" Taeyang whined. This was torture. He didn't have that kind of money on him. To be honest, he wasn't even sure he had that much in his bank account. Knowing that Hyunho had some - and not just any, but really fucking good cocaine - in his back pocket, just inches from Taeyang was killing him. He wanted it. No, he needed it. He _needed_ it. He couldn't go the rest of the night without it. He just couldn't. "I don't have that much on me."

"You can transfer it to my bank - if you're that desperate."

Taeyang avoided Hyunho's gaze, tears pricking at his eyes. Fucking hell. 

"I don't- I don't have that much...at all." The months of partying had all but depleted Taeyang's student loan, and the money he was making from tutoring didn't exactly last long either. 

"Oh." Hyunho's voice turned disinterested. If Taeyang didn't have the cash, then there was no point in hanging around. He'd find someone else to sell to. "Never mind then."

"Wait."

Hyunho's lips quirked up as Taeyang raised into the sleeve of his shirt, stopping him from stalking off into the hustle and bustle of the party. 

"Can't I, like, owe you?"

"You know I don't do favours, Taeyang."

"Hyunho, please." Taeyang was begging now, voice on the verge of breaking. He was desperate, and he wasn't even ashamed to show it right now. He just...he really fucking needed it. "I'm desperate."

"Tae." Hyunho sighed, turning back to face the blonde. "I can't just _give_ you stuff that's not how this works."

"I know, but can't I just-"

"You want to go back to our old agreement?"

Taeyang's breath caught in the back of his throat. He couldn't. He couldn't do that again. He couldn't do that to Jiho. He couldn't _cheat_ on his boyfriend just to score some cocaine. Jiho was his everything. He had made him realise that he didn't have to be this person - that he was worth more than that. 

"I- uh- I have a boyfriend."

"He doesn't need to know."

"I couldn't. I love him."

"Fair enough." Hyunho shrugged again, expression stoic. He wasn't prepared to argue with Taeyang, considering he'd have to shell out for the drugs if the blonde did agree to sleep with him anyway. He was sure he could just sell to someone else. He wasn't that bothered either way. "See you later, then."

Taeyang's heart rate increased as Hyunho stood up, hand dipping into his back pocket to pull out a small plastic bag. _Fuck_. 

There was seriously high-quality cocaine just feet away from him and his entire body was screaming at him to just do whatever he could to get it. He needed it. He _really_ needed it. 

He felt sick, ill, even. Like he was coming down with something. His sinuses felt all stuffy and he was beginning to sniffle. His skin burned to the touch, forehead shiny with perspiration, but he felt absolutely freezing. He hadn't had a comedown this bad in a while, mainly because despite the fact the cocaine he'd been having of late wasn't amazing, he had more of it, so he never really had to deal with the aftermath until he'd woken up the next morning after passing out. 

He couldn't go in like this. He couldn't stay here like this. He felt like everyone was watching him as he curled in on himself on the sofa. This was hell. Every inch of his body was telling him to just bite the bullet and go get it. 

But he couldn't. Could he?

No, of course he couldn't. He couldn't just cheat on his boyfriend, who was madly in love with him just to score some coke. 

He tried to stand up, forcing himself to just go home. He could just get a taxi and ride it out there. Maybe have a few more beers on his own to take the edge off. 

But he wasn't sure he could even make it to the door. It was like he could hear his brain commanding his limbs to work but they just wouldn't. Like some kind of force was keeping him there, rooted to the spot. Some mental block was stopping him from leaving because that meant he'd have to go god knows how long without a fix. 

He could feel tears beginning to prick at his eyes as reality dawned on him. He wasn't leaving here without that coke, was he? He couldn't physically go without. 

He just- He _had_ to have it. 

He shuddered as he caught Hyunho in his peripheral vision. The elder was grinning at him, clearly able to sense what was going through Taeyang's head. He knew how desperate the blonde was. Knew that if he played it cool he'd come crawling back. 

As if on autopilot Taeyang turned, making a beeline towards Hyunho. There was still that nagging voice in the back of his head telling him he shouldn't do this, that he _couldn't_  do this. That he loved Jiho more than anything and there no way he could hurt him like this. 

But the rest of the voices were so much louder, the ones telling him that he needed this. That he couldn't cope without it. That Jiho would never know anyway. 

"Hey, cutie, you change your mind?" Hyunho practically sing-songed. It felt nice having Taeyang wrapped back around his little finger. 

Taeyang couldn't even look at him. He could taste bile at the back of his throat, but he wasn't entirely sure if it was because of the comedown or because he was wracked with guilt. 

"H-how much-" Taeyang croaked out, voice betraying him. "How much will you give me, if I..."

"Depends how good you do." Hyunho smirked, leaning in to press a barely there kiss to Taeyang's lips. To anyone else it would have looked like the subtlest of romantic gestures, but it just made Taeyang feel dirty. "If you're getting fucked on the regular I expect you to be better than ever."

Taeyang swallowed thickly, inwardly cursing himself as tears spilled over his lashes. He didn't want to look weak in front of Hyunho, but even the vaguest mention of Jiho just made him want to curl into a tiny ball and cry because he couldn't believe he was even considering this, never mind actually going through with it. 

"Oh, baby, don't cry." Taeyang flinched as Hyunho thumbed away his tears.

He kept his eyes averted at the ground, scared to look up in case anyone around them caught onto what was happening, that he was whoring himself out for drugs. Again. 

He felt completely numb as Hyunho took his hand, leading him towards the staircase, before stopping and turning back to the blonde. 

"You know we're gonna have a good time. We always do."

 

✧ ✦ ✧

 

Jiho practically bounced on Taeyang's doorstep as he waited for the elder to answer, a hot chocolate in one hand and a coffee in the other. No milk, no sugar, iced. Just how Taeyang liked it.

What was taking so long? 

He felt like he hadn't seen Taeyang forever. It had only been a couple of days, but even a night without Taeyang curled into him felt like an eternity. 

"Hi angel!" Jiho beamed, arms looping around the blonde's waist to pull him into a tight hug. God, he had missed this. 

Taeyang's stomach lurched at the pet name. He didn't deserve to be called that. What he did last night was anything but angelic. 

He didn't even really know how to respond, weakly hugging Jiho back as he mumbled a 'hey'. Everything about this felt wrong. He didn't deserve Jiho. Jiho shouldn't have to be stuck with someone like him. He felt sick. And he was fairly sure it wasn't just the hangover. 

"Are you okay?" Jiho's eyebrows knitted together in concern as he stepped into Taeyang's apartment, hand resting against his boyfriend's forehead. "You look pale. I mean, you're always pale, but you look...ghostly."

Taeyang swallowed thickly, Jiho could probably feel the sweat forming on his forehead. He hated this. Why did Jiho have to be so kind and caring and perfect? Why had he done something so awful to the most amazing person he'd ever met? 

"I, uh-"

"Are you hungover?"

Taeyang nodded feebly. He actually was, so at least he wasn't lying about that, anyway. 

"Poor baby." Jiho cooed, popping the drinks in Taeyang's hands and scooping him up in his arms before he could even protest. This wasn't the first time he had dealt with a hungover Taeyang, and he was sure it wouldn't be the last, so he was well aware by now what his boyfriend needed to get through it. Coffee and cuddles. and fortunately, he already had the coffee. "I'm gonna look after you, don't worry."

"Jiho, you don't hav-"

"Of course I do! You're my boyfriend and I know what a whiny baby you can be, and I love looking after you, so-" Jiho prattled on as he made his way up the stairs to Taeyang's room, pushing the door open with his shoulder only to find the place a complete mess. That was...weird. Taeyang was usually almost obsessively tidy. 

"Oh!" Taeyang wriggled out of Jiho's arms, placing the drinks on his bedside table. He had been so wrapped up in his own self-loathing he had forgotten what a state his room was. Fuck. "I, uh- I tried to change my bedsheets last night when I was drunk and- Yeah..."

That was actually true. Despite showering when he got home he still felt so dirty that he felt the need to clean his entire room, but that was easier said than done when intoxicated. It resulted in him just getting frustrated and throwing things around until he ultimately broke down crying. 

He pulled his sleeves down over his hands, hoping to hide the fact his fingers were trembling. Jiho was going to find that weird, surely, he was going to question what the fuck was going on and Taeyang really wasn't sure he could lie to him anymore. 

But he couldn't bring himself to lose Jiho, either. It was selfish, but he just couldn't. 

But Jiho just laughed, rolled his eyes and threw himself down on Taeyang's bed. 

"Only you would still be thinking of tidying up when you're drunk." Jiho opened his arms out, signalling for Taeyang to come cuddle into him. "I don't care if your room is a mess, C'mere."

Taeyang's heart lurched, fighting back a fresh wave of nausea. All he wanted was Jiho's arms around him, Jiho's lips on his own. But he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve _Jiho_. He had cheated on the best thing that had ever happened to him, gone behind his back and all for what? A couple of grams of cocaine. He hated himself. So. Fucking. Much. 

But he couldn't resist the urge to crawl onto his bed and curl into Jiho's side. He couldn't resist the urge to lay his head on his boyfriend's chest and nuzzle into the angora sweater he had on. He couldn't resist the urge to snake his arms around Jiho's waist, pulling him in as tight as physically possible. And he couldn't resist the urge to press a kiss to the youngers jawline and bury his nose in Jiho's neck. 

He just...he couldn't resist Jiho. And he definitely couldn't lose him. 

"I love you, you know that, right?" Taeyang spoke up after almost half an hour of them lying in complete silence 

"Hm?" Jiho cracked an eye open, he had almost nodded off, assuming Taeyang was already asleep. "Yeah, of course I do. I love you too."

"No, but," Taeyang propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at Jiho. "I _love_ you, like, so fucking much and I want you to remember that, no matter what. Okay?"

Jiho's expression changed. Where was this coming from?

"Is something wrong?"

"Wh- No!" Taeyang panicked. He didn't want Jiho getting suspicious, even though he should be. He couldn't find out. Ever. It would totally break his heart. "I just- I'm scared I'm not good enough for you and-"

"Tae." Jiho stopped him before he could even finish. " _I'll_ decide who's good enough for me, okay? And _I_ think you're perfect."

Taeyang winced as Jiho's fingers brushed against his cheek. _Perfect_. He was anything but perfect. He was a liar and a cheat and probably had a serious drink and drug problem that he was nowhere near ready to come to terms with. He was failing his degree and racking up so much debt he honestly wasn't sure how much longer he'd be able to hide it. He was a fucking mess. 

He was about to retaliate when Jiho's lips came into contact with his own, completely wiping his mind of any self-depreciating thoughts because he tended to lose himself when Jiho's lips were involved. He let himself melt into it, immersed himself in the love coursing through his veins as Jiho deepened the kiss, urging Taeyang to lie back against the mattress so he could take complete control. He let his lips fall open, let his fingers tangle in dark hair as Jiho's tongue slipped into his mouth. He let himself moan softly as Jiho's hand trailed down his torso, travelling south to cup the growing hardness in his pants. He let his hips tilt up slightly, silently begging for more because nothing could send him crazy like Jiho's touch. He let everything slip away as Jiho stretched him open, burying thoughts of last night as they tried to claw their way to the surface because it was Jiho he cared about, Jiho who was the love of his life and there was no way he was letting what he had done with Hyunho get in the way of that. If he could sleep with his dealer, who he couldn't even stand, then he could definitely fucking sleep with Jiho - because Jiho was his everything and he wasn't great at all of that romantic shit or words and this was the best way he could show him just how much he loved him. 

"Do whatever you want to me."

Taeyang cried out as Jiho pushed into him, teeth sinking into his neck. Fuck. He resented himself a little for enjoying this because he knew he didn't deserve it, that he should be punishing himself, but that would be punishing Jiho in the process too and he had to prove to his boyfriend just how much he meant to him the only way he knew how. So, he really let himself get into it. He forgot about everything, focused solely on Jiho with a silent promise that he'd punish himself in a different way later. Right now, he had to give his boyfriend the time of his life. 

"Jiho! Fuck- Harder!"

Taeyang was always loud, but today he was taking it to a whole new level because he needed Jiho to know just how appreciative he was. Not just of the way he fucked him, but for everything. The kisses and cuddles, the cute dates and sloppy romantic words he pretended to hate, the kindness and love and attention and everything else Jiho had given him over the past ten months. 

He just _needed_ him to know. 

"Tae-" Jiho gasped out between almost possessive kisses from the elder. He was close, and Taeyang's chant of his name with just about every thrust was only bringing him closer to the brink. 

"Come for me." Taeyang breathed, clenching, making himself impossibly tight for Jiho because he wanted his boyfriend to have the most intense orgasm he'd ever had. 

He reached down between the two of them to stroke his own weeping cock as Jiho cried out, rhythm becoming sloppy, because he wasn't quite there but this was all about Jiho and if his boyfriend wanted to come then he sure as hell was going to come.

So, Jiho came.

Hard.

His body shuddered, legs giving out as he fell forward, face buried in Taeyang's neck as his hips began to slow down, milking his orgasm. _Jesus fucking Christ._

A contented smile spread across Taeyang's lips as Jiho filled him, fingers stroking through the youngers hair, Jiho's soft whimpers spurring him on as he stroked himself to completion.

"Tae-"

Taeyang pulled Jiho into a rough kiss as he raised his head, slipping out of the blonde. If he knew his boyfriend as well as he thought he did, Jiho would be desperate to touch him, to help get him off, because Jiho always put Taeyang first. But he couldn't allow that, no matter how much he wanted it, because he didn't deserve it.

"Baby…" Jiho gasped, feeling Taeyang come undone underneath him. He always looked so beautiful like this; flushed cheeks, lips parted, eyelashes fanned out against high cheekbones, eyebrows slightly furrowed. Just…perfect.

Taeyang eventually came with a cry of Jiho's name, hips bucking up as strings of white spurted between them.

Fuck.

That's when the guilt came flooding back. Once the haze of arousal had cleared, the self-hatred came back. Tenfold.

He shouldn't have allowed himself to get off. Not after what he had done. This was meant to be about Jiho, why was he always so fucking selfish?

Pressure began to build behind his eyes as he begged himself not to cry. He couldn't. he didn't want Jiho to get suspicious, or even worse – feel bad.

"That was amazing." Jiho mused, rolling onto his back before pulling the blonde into his side, into the position they were in before. Jiho's favourite; Taeyang curled into him, arms wrapped around waists, his head rested on his chest, right where he belonged. "I love you."

Taeyang screwed his eyes shut as he nuzzled back into Jiho's chest, not even bothering to clean the two of them up as the words hit him like a freight train. Jiho _really_ loved him, didn't he? He had to stop this. He had to change himself. He couldn't keep doing this to Jiho – even if he was totally in the dark about what was going on, he couldn't keep breaking his heart like this. He couldn't keep lying.

"I love you too." Taeyang whispered back. At least that wasn't a lie, he really did.

He just wasn't sure he felt worthy of Jiho's love anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)))))
> 
> pls don't hurt me
> 
> comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated!! pls let me know what u thought ♡  
> if you wanna shout at me abt anything feel free to add me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/lowkeyamen) (i am friendless) or on [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lowkeyamen/) (where i talk all sorts of gay shit) and i also have a [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/lowkeyamen) bc, well, i am despo for attention pls love me uwu thank u xo


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